


and saints embrace you with a love like mine

by Alex_Levi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind AU, F/M, IKEA TRIPS, Lots of 80s songs, Memory Loss, New Years, No procedures though so only SORT OF, Non-linear walk through the memory lane, Post-Break Up, Self-Indulgent, The Office references (not very many but they’re there), To Be Edited, Weddings, background stormpilot, i even incorporated a pandemic what the fuck, one direction.... they went to see one direction, only one gets memory loss REALLY THE ESOTSM AU nobody asked for, pining... so much pining, quarter life crisis is real, tbh i dont think i did ESOTSM as much but i tried mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23592286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex_Levi/pseuds/Alex_Levi
Summary: Sometimes he wished he didn’t exist in a universe where he met her.But would that even be possible – to live in a reality where he didn’t know the sound of her voice, or the warmth of her hands?She would always find him, though. There were certain promises you just keep.—————Rey loses her memories and it’s all over and that’s okay. (Yeah, you keep telling yourself that and maybe someday you’ll believe it.)
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Kylo Ren
Comments: 15
Kudos: 56





	1. Prologue

It might be better this way.

They said she didn’t remember – didn’t _want_ to remember – him – _them_. Said there must have been a reason why she forgot, said she didn’t want the pitying looks, and that she didn’t feel any less complete because she remembered her friends — _Who else could I have forgotten?_

He remembered what he told Dameron the very first time he saw her with Rose and Finn, making asses of themselves across the quad. “ _Is she even real.”_

Funny how the world worked sometimes, because he now knew she was the realest thing – it shouldn’t hurt so fucking much if she wasn’t.

—————

He put everything in boxes two weeks after the accident.

Finn had stormed in his apartment, demanding _why_ – _how can you let this happen, Ben?! –_ all the questions he couldn’t answer, couldn’t pinpoint the exact time where it all went wrong. He was so tired.

They have both calmed down half an hour later, and Finn avoided his eyes as he helped him pack his things, pack _hers_ , and clean the apartment they sometimes shared. They finished within hours because it’s not like there’s that much to clean.

He should’ve seen the signs, though, when her things were starting to disappear from his apartment. When her designated drawer had been getting spacious every time she stayed over. Maybe he didn’t really want to look then – maybe he’s still in denial now.

“She wasn’t sure about us anymore.” He whispered as he loaded his things at the back of the moving truck. Finn looked at him morosely as he covered a tarp over the boxes. “Nobody’s sure of anybody, not even her.”

“I was.”

—————

When he moved out of his apartment in the Upper East Side to his new one in Brooklyn Heights – somewhere she’d definitely _not_ go to – a week after she was discharged, he had donated every furniture, down to his stupid year-old microwave, and bought new ones because every thing he owned had her touch lingering on it.

Except _that_ velvet box he couldn’t bear to take out from the hidden compartment of his desk.

 _It’s over_. _Yeah, you keep telling yourself that and maybe someday you’ll believe it._

—————

Maybe he’d wake up one day and all of these feelings would stop.

He’d bet he’s going to find himself getting the courage to finally meet up with their friends and not see the pathetic looks they’re throwing his way as they kept quiet about him. Probably the next time they invited him for game night, or for Rose’s baby shower, or Finn’s birthday, he wouldn’t walk back the way he came when he’s three steps away from their doors. 

It’s masochistic and embarrassing to admit to the exaggeration that he could distinguish her laugh amongst the crowd on the other side.

For now, though, he’d settle just staring as the whipped cream melted on the sickeningly sweet iced coffee she liked, in their favorite café, seated on their preferred spot near the giant window that had that large vinyl sticker with the brand’s logo on it. Thrice this week now – hoping one of these days, maybe she’d duck in as she waited out a drizzle.

“What a fucking loser.” He scoffed bitterly, standing up and throwing the now-undrinkable coffee in the bin.

—————

Some days, he thought he was getting better.

At pretending, maybe, but better nonetheless.

Sometimes, he would replay the past three years inside his head and felt like he knew the answer why it went wrong – but then, he’d see something on his newsfeed about a picture uploaded by one of their friends – _her_ friends now – and it would make him start looking again.

Maybe he finally understood how she started not to like him – god knew how much he hated himself. Maybe he was starting to hate her now too.

But who was he kidding?

—————

He quit his job half a year later. Another month and he’s signing a new lease in Washington.

The week after he had settled, he got a call from his mother’s office – a position in her non-profit. “Nobody’s going to do this job, if not you.”

“Fine.” He grunted over the phone, so _very_ tired. “I’ll start Monday morning.”

—————

His job took him to cities – Lagos, Damascus, Karachi, Kabul, Juba, Yangon – places he knew existed but never really thought of going to. He got tanned – _reddish,_ more likely – and he seemed quite content because he was doing something he once whispered to her in front of the chaos of the ocean, as the sun drowned itself to make way for the night.

_“You know what? I’m going to change the fucking world.”_

She had smiled then, the hues of the sky coloring her skin. She believed he would.

_“And if you’d like, you can join me.”_

—————

Eleven months into his new job, Dameron had come to visit.

They go way back – family friends and all, moms knew each other, dads used the shit out of their grillers flipping patties from the butcher in Midtown. They grew around each other, grew to hate themselves like siblings did.

Dameron have interned in Leia’s campaign the year he graduated from law school, then worked under her as a lobbyist for a couple of years. Stopped when he was offered a column in the local newspaper, then launched his now-acclaimed political podcast from his guest bedroom. Would have been a great actor from all his schmoozing, but he had other plans apparently.

“We still talk about you sometimes – of course, when _she’s_ not in the room – and god, I know you’re some _hotshot_ public figure now,” Dameron rolled his eyes, grinning as he threw a popcorn at him, “but the gang misses you! It’s been, what, at least a year and a half since the thing? I’m sure she’s fine now. I’m sure you _are._ ”

He didn’t visibly flinch like he was physically hurt upon hearing about her any more. That was a good sign. “Why did you come here really?” He muttered and adjusted his glasses.

There was a crack in the grin he was forcing out, “I heard Leia’s opening an office in New York. I think it’s time for you to go back home, Ben.”

He sighed, shuffling the stack of reports and putting them in the tray on his desk. “I’m not running away, Dameron. I’m doing the Lord’s work.”

Dameron snorted and popped another popcorn into his mouth, “Yeah, that’s _not_ running away, stupid.” He stood up and tossed something on his desk. “Anyway, I really came here to let you know I’m getting married. You should fucking come or I swear to your ancestors, there’d be no one to continue your bloodline.”

He looked at the thick, lavender-scented envelope with the monogram of Poe and Finn’s initials on the flap.

For the last time, he wished he weren’t such a believer in the chaos theory. He wished the universe was as deterministic as it was when he was eight. The sun would set and the moon would rise, and he’d go to school in the morning and do his homework and play his video games in the afternoon. And it would be the same the next day and after.

He _wished, wished,_ and _wished._ He wished he wasn’t feeling that glimmer of hope in his chest despite the fact that he had no idea what’s about to happen.

—————

Sometimes he wished he didn’t exist in a universe where he met her.

 _But would that even be possible_ – to live in a reality where he didn’t know the sound of her voice, or the warmth of her hands?

She would always find him, though. There were certain promises you just keep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is only sort of edited, so let me know if I’ve missed any! This fic is complete and I would have posted this as a one-shot but it’s around 24k words and I haven’t edited the rest.
> 
> —————
> 
> [I don’t think I wanna go to LA anymore.](https://youtu.be/ZZ4defaop8k)


	2. One

It’s been eighteen months since Rey woke up.

To be fair, waking up with brain damage wasn’t exactly the best news to wake up to after a few days of coma. The doctors said it was selective memory loss, coming from a place of trauma. Easy to get back in time, but grueling and emotionally taxing.

So she said she was okay, that it wasn’t very imperative to her life and that there must have been a reason why. Why would she try to spend a great deal of herself getting these memories back when she was this hurt that her brain gave up and told her to forget them?

Granted, Rey couldn’t relate to some of the inside jokes her friends have seemed to forget she didn’t remember, or spoke of someone she didn’t seem to have met. But it was _fine_ , because she’s living. 

She’s alive, _in the present –_ where she had insisted she’s complete – she’s not missing parts of her, not missing anybody.

—————

She never got a full night’s sleep since the accident.

At night, when there wasn’t Rose’s baby, Hue, or Finn’s work-rants to distract her from the void in her chest, she would curl into a ball and sob her heart out. _Why can’t you be happy? Stop crying, you’re alive – you don’t deserve to cry._

_Why did he leave you to forget about him?_

_—————_

Sometimes, muscle memory took over.

Rey would reach out for a hand that wasn’t there, or pat the space next to her side of the bed. Sometimes, she would doze off in her battered leather sofa and expect someone to carry her to bed.

 _“You’ll ruin your back sleeping like that.”_ She would wait for someone to whisper, would wait for the lips pressed at the top of her head.

—————

Rey was seated in her window bench in her lawsuit-money purchased apartment in Tribeca as Rose entered her door, laptop bag on her back and baby attached to her hips.

It wasn’t the most expensive – excitingly mid-range for this neighborhood, but it was an old office building in the 80’s that was repurposed into loft-type studios and she had too much time between jobs after the accident and money from the lawsuit that she didn’t mind helping out with the renovations. Lord knew the apartment needed to get the thermostat properly recalibrated.

“Have Finn sent you the guest list?” She asked, putting her kid down on the sofa and patting the boy’s head. “Because he was freaking out! Said they kept inviting people and you know how with Poe, extended families are still families?”

Rey nodded, grinning and picking up her nephew. She’s an _honorary_ auntie now. “Yeah, the ‘cozy and intimate’ wedding ain’t happening, sister.” Rose grumbled, arranging her laptop on the breakfast nook and typing furiously on it. “So glad I got married before it was a thing to provide dancing slippers at the reception. By the way, how’s the new gig? Did you manage to file your leave yet for the wedding?”

“It’s not _new_ anymore if it’s almost a year since I’ve been employed.” Rey said, patting Hue’s diaper-covered butt and getting a giggle out of it. “And yes, to answer your question, I’ve had it on the calendar for months now.”

Rose was too distracted by something on her email to coherently answer apart from a hum, eyes widening as she hastily picked up her phone. Rey trotted over with Hue in her arms to sneak a glance behind her friend’s shoulder, “Lots of RSVPs then.”

“Finn,” Rose said when her call was answered, ignoring Rey’s remark. “Ben just RSVP-ed.”

_What, who – oh, the famous doctor friend. As seen on TV guy._

She could hear Finn reacting in the small speaker of Rose’s phone. _“Who – when, just now?! Are you a hundred percent sure he’s going?”_

Rose balanced the phone between her ear and her shoulder, “Look at your email – I forwarded it to you – _see_ , ben-dot-solo at resistance-dot-org! It’s him – he’s _actually_ going.”

“Stop freaking out, Finn. I’m sure it’d be fine.” Rey leaned in to the conversation, just as Rose finally remembered she was still in the room and ended the call. She looked at her warily, closing her laptop, “So… Ben’s going.”

“Uh, yeah?” Rey asked, shifting to accommodate Hue’s tossing in her arms. “What’s the big deal – I’m pretty sure he’s an alright guy? I mean, saw him on CNN once. You don’t get on CNN for nothing.”

Generally, she avoided her social media accounts because her head would hurt when she saw pictures of her and her friends from _before_ and she’d have to dig deep about which place and when it was taken and then she’d just get frustrated and toss her phone across the room. It had been that bad.

“No _big_ _deal_ – it’s just… he must have been – I don’t know,” Rose glanced at her warily, “he must have missed – _us_ , I mean, for him to come.”

—————

It was sunny for once in New York. Rey hoped it would stay this way until Finn and Poe’s wedding on the 23rd.

She alighted on the bus stop in front of the big window of the coffee shop she had started to frequent before work, saying her good mornings to Kaydel – who seemed to know her and her order the first time she stepped into the shop all those months ago. Barista’s intuition, probably.

“Morning, Rey.” Kaydel greeted back, sliding her usual – iced caramel latte with whipped cream – as she handed her card and her coupon. _Only three more to go until the free drink. Sweet._

Rey smiled, thanking her as she pocketed her things and carried her coffee to an empty table. She had an hour to spare, nobody wants to see their co-workers this early – they would think she actually liked her job.

She took out her paper back from her shoulder bag and sat down near the big window. _We Should Hang Out Sometime_ by Josh Sundquist, a gift from their department-wide company secret santa last week.

Rey was into the part where the author and Sarah Stevens were seated in a bus together, when she heard Kaydel give out an actual scream and run to the other side of the counter to tackle the tall guy who entered the shop into a hug. She shrugged and went back to her book, figuring it was Kaydel’s friend or something. “God, Ben – it’s been what, a year since you’re last here?”

A deep chuckle made her look up again, and _why was that sound so familiar? – oh._

_CNN-featured doctor friend._

It was as though her awareness of his presence informed him of hers, an unsure glance being thrown her way. She couldn’t seem to read the expression fleeting across his face – as if he couldn’t believe she was here, but she imagined it might just be careful consideration for her sake that his eyes silently asked if she remembered him. She saw these on her friends’ faces way back. 

Rey forced a small smile and a tiny wave that said ‘ _yes, I do know_ of _you because we run around the same circle, but I can’t reconcile you with any of my recovered memories.’_

He took that as a sign to come over her table.

“Rey?” He said, a bit breathless.

 _Unconventionally pretty in person – prettier up close_ , she immediately thought. _Guy could run for office though._ “Sorry – _Ben_ , right?”

Ben blinked a few times, and a small hesitant grin appeared on his face, “Yeah – _yeah_. Sorry. How’s the… how are you?”

“How’s _the_ brain damage, you mean?” Rey joked lightly, closing her book and gesturing to the chair in front of her.

—————

_You couldn’t leave – you couldn’t. Leaving would mean the end, and you never wanted it to end._

_In the rain, your clothes thoroughly soaked and your boots squelching on the pavement, you turned back and ran – not noticing the bright headlights at the other end of the road until it was too late._

_They said that your life would flash before your eyes when you die, but you now knew it wasn’t true – it’s just numbness on the tips of your fingers and feeling the rough surface of the asphalt beneath your body; it’s just hearing faint shouts and seeing blurs hovering, and maybe that was your life flashing, but you couldn’t make sense of it._

_Last thing you were aware of before you lost consciousness was a wet hand on your cheek and a voice so heartbreakingly distressed that you wanted to get up and comfort its source, “No, no, no – don’t do this to me. Please. Come back to me. Please.”_

Dying, _you remembered thinking as blood ran down your face, washed by the rain falling from the night sky – or the tears of the man kneeling above you, you wouldn’t know the difference –_ shouldn’t hurt this much –

She gasped, awake, waiting for the hand to pull her close and the voice to tell her it was just a dream.

And it never came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barely edited to be honest! Work is fun 😤  
> —————  
> [If you ever called, I would run straight back. Give you my forgiveness.](https://youtu.be/Df-Wo48P-M8)


	3. Two

Maybe it was touch and go from the start, this wedding.

It had been broadcasted to rain over New York the whole week, so Finn and Poe had to look for another venue in a matter of four fucking days, and it had obviously taken a toll on them – “ _Why do we have to get married in December, for god’s sake!”_ and _“Well, it’s definitely not due to_ my _parents!”_

Rey had followed Finn, who stormed out of the room in frustration. “It’s not like I wouldn’t want a spring wedding – of course, I’d prefer that! He was the one who insisted on the winter wedding, when clearly it would be freezing!”

She gave him a tiny nod and sat down on the sofa beside him. “It is what it is, mate.” She muttered, “And it’s not like everything’s off the table for you – look, if you guys haven’t insisted on the roof top setting, then I’d be happy to just organize the whole shindig in, like, the uni’s library.”

He rolled his eyes, “That’s not the best idea you had.”

“And we’ll obviously have the reception at Maz’s across the street.”

“You’re the worst.” He grumbled, defeated. “Call Maz’s.”

“Oh shit – we’re really doing this.” Rey stood up and reached for the phone.

—————

With just two days before the wedding – along with the non-refundable bouquets that did not really fit in with the aesthetic of the pub and the deposit they couldn’t take back from the wedding band on top of everything else – Rey was just about to lose her cool, “- and it isn’t even _my_ wedding!”

Maz’s bartender, a decrepit guy named ‘Lor’ – who had been tending long before Rey had reached the ripe old age of 21 and started being a regular at the place – frowned at her. “I don’t really wanna hear ‘bout this.”

“Look, Lor –” she showed him the binder containing the seat plan, “I don’t really wanna talk about this _either,_ but Rose’s stuck with her kid, and we’re a couple of days before the wedding. I’m not even sure what _I’m_ doing!”

He gave her an exasperated look, running his hand down his face. “You should have thought twice before booking the reception here. Does this place look like a fucking ballroom to you?”

She sighed, glancing around the room. Maz had agreed to let her scope out what went where before the pub opened for the day, and then let them decorate tomorrow after midnight. Rey wasn’t even sure if the caterer could deal with their setup properly given the space they were provided, and not only that, she had to pick the songs beforehand because the only thing that played the music in here was the ‘pretty much’ updated jukebox in the corner. Someone also had to continuously put coins in that old thing for the party to get going.

It’s as if Finn and Poe not being able to dance to Engelbert Humperdinck’s _Can’t Take My Eyes Off You_ would be the end of the world.

Well, maybe for _some_ people.

—————

_He was leaning into you, the sound of that old jukebox from Maz’s still escaping the gaps of the door despite the fact that you were a couple of meters out. One of your friends had picked that Crowded House song and it didn’t seem like the kind of music that the pub would play, but it’s not like anyone’s out drinking on a Tuesday night apart from stupid twenty-something law students and a particular resident._

_You were looking in his eyes, and if this was it – your first kiss – it would have been so out of the one you had expected. “Outside Maz’s?_ Really _?” You murmured, smiling._

_He chuckled, eyes closing. “Couldn’t get more romantic than this?”_

_“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” You sighed and closed yours. As your mouths were millimeters apart, a weird beeping ring went off._

_Startled, you both opened your eyes. He groaned and leaned his forehead on yours. “So sorry, I’m afraid that’s my pager. I may need a raincheck on this though.”_

_You laughed as he kissed the top of your head, the song playing inside now changed to a Fleetwood Mac track. “Go and save a life. I’ll be here.”_

_“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” He professed in the dark of the evening, facing you as he walked backwards. “Good bye, Rey. See you.”_

_“See you,” you said, waving your right hand as you watched him run to wherever, the name you wanted to say but couldn’t remember at the tip of your tongue._

Rey could never place the face of that person as she drifted awake. It was getting more and more frustrating, the empty space in her chest getting heavier to carry.

—————

It was the day before the wedding – technically hours, as it was one in the morning and Rey was barely getting on with the decorations at Maz’s. Rose had offered to do the decors in an empty lecture hall _“because apparently, we can’t use the library for ‘recreational purposes’. After the thousands of dollars I paid to that school!”_

Finn and Poe had been resting as they obviously should – it’s their wedding in less than 20 hours. Rey had understood; they’d do it for her, if the case were reversed.

Lor helped out with the cleaning and the clearing out of the tables to make way for the small dance floor and the multiple crates Kes Dameron had nailed together to stand as the makeshift platform. The bartender was thoroughly grumpy about it though.

As she was choosing what to play on the jukebox, the old chime above the door rang. Rey entered the keys for Steve Perry’s _Foolish Heart_ and turned around.

Lor was hugging a tall guy whose back was facing her, a familiar mop of black hair at the top of his head. She’d never seen Lor so… _friendly_.

“Stop – Lor, what the hell.” The man, who she now recognized as Ben going by the sound of his voice and the built of his body, huffed without malice, shaking off the old man’s hug. “Let’s not get _too_ familiar.”

“Hi, Ben.” Rey greeted sheepishly, a smile on her lips. He turned around, a bit of surprise crossing his face that he had immediately toned down to an unreadable expression. “Hey. I got a call from Dameron. Said this place needed a hand?”

She nodded, relief washing over her. She might be able to finish _and_ get some rest. “You’re my _lifesaver_.”

Ben chuckled quietly, taking off his brown coat. “So where do we hang up the fairy lights?”

—————

She gasped, “You graduated med school at 24?”

“I started early. It’s not that hard.” He answered as if he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, arranging the garland made of hundreds of polaroids on the backdrop of the stage. “More to the left?”

“Yeah – a little.” She gestured for an inch using her finger, stepping back to survey the work. “Perfect.”

—————

“No – that’s terrible!” Rey frowned, dusting off one of the vintage bottles from the back. “I don’t think I’ll be able to continue working after that.”

He nodded, looking at her with resigned exhaustion lining his features. “Well, what else can you do? Lots of lives at stake and not that very many doctors. Goes with the job.”

“Still – eighteen-hour shifts every day? I’ll remember that the next time my boss tells me to work on the weekends.” She sighed as he handed her another bottle. “You must not have a lot of successful relationships.”

He glanced down at the bottle he was wiping, a sad smile on his lips. She thought that might be a bit too personal and kept quiet.

—————

“ _It’s only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and,”_ Ben was singing along under his breath as he put names on tables, and Rey was enjoying it because he’s got a nice, deep voice and she didn’t dare call him out on it. She wouldn’t want him to stop just because he was embarrassed. _“have you any dreams you'd like to sell?”_

—————

The sun was peeking between the gaps of the buildings by the time they had finished.

Rey locked the pub and slid the key in the gap under the wooden door as per Lor’s instruction. She stretched before realizing how cold it was and wrapped her arms around herself. Ben was looking at her as if he didn’t want to be caught looking, and she wondered if she had something on her face. “What?”

He shook his head, clutching his coat in one arm. “Nothing – _just_ – are you gonna be fine on your own or would you like me to walk with you? It’s still too early.”

She grinned, grateful. “It’s fine – it’s, _well_ , I live a few blocks away and I don’t want to bother you too much. You’ve been a lot of help.”

“Are you sure – I haven’t been in New York for a while,” He said, shrugging, “but I’m pretty familiar with the places –“

She snorted, “Look, I’m _sure_ you’re spent. Get some rest, Ben. I’ll see you later – don’t be late.”

Just as she started to walk the other way, Rey heard Ben say quietly, “Alright. Good bye, Rey. See you.”

She paused and turned around slowly. _Didn’t this happen before?_

“See you… Ben.” Her brows furrowed as she whispered to herself, the back of his retreating form fading as he walked briskly into the distance.

Like he couldn’t get away fast enough.

—————

_It was the middle of the night when you heard his footsteps getting closer to the bedroom._

_You heard him drop the rucksack he always carried with him, heard the rustle as he took off his clothes, and felt the drop on the other side of the bed as he wrapped his arms around your navel. He was unfailingly loud and maybe it was because of his built or the way his exhaustion, but you would repeatedly find it endearing – you didn’t mind waking up at the sound of his arrival._

_He always tried to occupy the smallest space he could, though. He always tried for you._

_In your sleep-addled haze, you turned around to face him with your eyes still closed and then you put your palms on both sides of his face to warm him up. “Bad day, huh?”_

_“The worst.” He murmured, turning his head ever so slightly to kiss the place where your pulse beats. “At least I’m here now.”_

_“At least you’re here now.” You agreed, kissing him lightly on the lips as you drifted back to unconsciousness._

—————

Rose was doing her make up because lord knew Rey couldn’t be trusted to know the difference between a blush brush and a powder brush.

As she was applying her eye shadow, Rey relayed what happened in the early morning. “And then the candles aren’t fitting in the bottles we bought. Thank goodness Ben’s there to help me out and found some bottles near the back.”

“Mhmm – wait, what – _Ben?_ ” Rose dropped the brush and gripped her shoulders, shaking her lightly. “You’ve spoken to Ben?”

Rey frowned and shook her off, “Yeah, why? He’s great, very dry sense of humor – dunno why we were never that close before. I loved hanging out with him.”

Rose picked up the brush and waved off the excess, not really that focused on the task at hand – which made Rey nervous. Why was she always like this whenever Ben was mentioned? Were they a thing – was this how they absorbed him into the group?

“What made you say you weren’t that close _before_?” She asked her, reapplying some pigments on the brush.

She closed her eyes to let the woman work on her. “Well, I just… guessed? I can’t really remember him, and he’s not really like someone you would forget. Saw one or two pics of the group on Facebook with him, and, like, one time at the hospital way back so I assumed. Not really that curious though, knowing he’s a doctor and works a lot. Wait, did _you_ date him?”

Rose took a deep breath and concentrated on an area, “What – _no, god –_ it’s just he doesn’t really have things figured out back then, to be honest… had a girlfriend he didn’t know how to keep and then the hospital, which he pretty much ran since he completed his MLE. We’re a bit worried about him.”

“Oh. He’s still hung up on his ex?” Rey asked, attempting her best at nonchalance. She wasn’t disappointed, _damn it._

Rose looked at her incredulously, and then chose to ignore the fact that in all of those things she had said, they both knew Rey was more interested on one particular bit. “I’m a hundred-percent he’s never really over her.”

—————

“Stop fidgeting, it’s your wedding.”

“How can I stop – everything’s gone wrong so far!”

“It’s not like you’re the one wearing _the_ dress – you put me in this dress and then expect me to keep you in place!”

“How many times do I have to tell you – _someone_ has to wear a white dress in a wedding! It _is_ tradition!!!”

—————

The wedding ceremony was lovely. Rose did a great job of putting the lights where it would glow, and transforming the whole thing into something more than a lecture hall.

Everybody walked along the aisle on Rick Astley’s _Together Forever_ playing on a cassette, laughed when Poe’s fat ginger cat, BB, stopped in the middle of the stairs because it felt like stopping, and everyone cried when Finn and Poe met at the end because that’s what you do in a wedding.

Rey was standing behind Finn and Rose was standing behind Poe, best women in their own rights. They handed the rings when prompted by the officiant, and clapped as the newly weds kissed to The Corrs’ _Runaway._

She had looked around the room, realizing Ben was not present in the whole thing.

—————

She found him though, an hour later, hesitating to go inside. Kes was doing his speech, and it’s not until later that Rey spoke of her own, so she had time to take a breather.

“Ben?” She called, halfway out the door. “Aren’t you going inside?”

He looked up at the sound of her voice, hands in his pockets and appearing every bit of a, as she could only describe in the form of Lizzo lyrics, whole _damn_ meal. “I – yeah, give me a minute. Aren’t you cold?”

She nodded, remembering that she was wearing a sleeveless dress. “Needed a moment to clear my head.”

He licked his lips, pausing as if to think twice about it, then shrugged out of his coat. “Here – _just_ put this on – hypothermia is a very serious thing.”

Rey chuckled, accepting the kind gesture. “Yeah, thanks, doc.” She murmured as she put it on, sighing contentedly. It was warm and it smelled nice, _personal_. “I didn’t see you in the ceremony?”

“I have – _had_ work to do.” He grinned, probably due to the expression on her face. It exposed all his stupidly prominent dimples, and it sent a rush of warmth in her chest. “But I’m here now.”

She smiled back, opening the door for the both of them. “But you’re here now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Take a sled and slide down slow, into these arms of mine](%E2%80%9C)


	4. Three

Everyone turned when they stepped in.

There was a very brief moment of silence, and Rey didn’t know why, but she had a fleeting feeling she was missing the bigger picture, which unsettled her. She glanced at Ben, who was frozen by the door looking very much like he wanted to turn back and run.

But then they played the next song – The Beatles’ _‘Til There Was You_ – and everyone resumed with their dinners, talking amongst themselves.

Poe was walking towards them with Finn trailing behind him. He was smiling from ear-to-ear, clearly glad that Ben had made it. The two hugged while Rey met Finn’s stare over his husband’s shoulder, squinting his eyes as if to say “that’s not your coat, Rey.”

She rolled her eyes and kissed his cheek, “Happy for you, mate.” Then made her way to the bar to let them catch up. Everyone missed Ben, apparently.

Lor was serving drinks and was not very happy about it. “Swear to god I got an invitation as a _guest_.”

“I’ll tend for you if you do my speech.” She bargained, knocking back a bottle of beer. “You wanna switch?”

The old man grumbled something about kids being far too clever for their own good as they watched as Rose clambered over the makeshift stage, a glass of martini in her hand. She gathered the skirts of her equally long, white dress and rearranged them to accommodate her stature.

“Everybody.” She cleared her throat as the music from the jukebox faded into its end. “I wanna make my toast early, because we didn’t plan on actually doing the wedding in a pub – _no offense,_ Lor –” She paused and tipped her glass in respect to the bartender “- but here we are, with a much wider selection of drinks at our disposal and much, _much_ drier clothes. We’re joined together by two people who found their ways to each other.”

Rey’s gaze drifted onto Poe and Finn, who were happily huddled together on the other side of the room as they listened to the speech, all smiles and heartwarming lightness of people who were just perfectly matched.

Rose continued, looking at the newly weds. “I have had the pleasure of becoming friends with you both. I’ve known Finn, along with Rey, the very first day of my last year in prelaw. He was shy, only had one friend because she was his friend back in freshmen year.” She chuckled at the memory, along with all the people in the room. “But he wasn’t _that_ bad. He was, in all its meaning entirely, an amazing person all over. And I would _know_ – because I was in too deep a crush with you at the time.”

Everybody who knew Rose and Finn knew of this little gossip – she was smitten, until the very day she found out from Rey that Finn was gay, two weeks into the academic year. “Of course, as I was told there was never a possibility of you being attracted to me, I made it my mission to be your wing woman – but by god’s fate, I’m just really fucking dumb, aren’t I?”

Another laugh from the crowd. Rey thought Rose was killing her speech, which made her nervous because then people would expect her to be this… entertaining.

“Poe, I met you when I was sixteen and you were the cool, senior guy in the school. You have the prettiest eyes and the facial bone structure that I will forever envy, but we both know that you’re as straight as a cooked instant ramen noodle, which is to say _not at all_. You were – _are –_ my best friend and my greatest critique. You make me want to be better, you’re not afraid to correct me when I’m in the wrong, and you always point my stubborn self in the right direction.

“Needless to say, you two are extremely bad at dating,” Rose grinned, happy tears pricking the corners of her eyes, “but I’m going to resign to the fact that you negate how awful you both are, that you guys just _clicked_. I’m so glad I got to be a part of your journey, and I’m even happier to see you begin a new one.” She raised her glass, as did everyone in the room. “To Poe and Finn, or as I’d like to call them collectively, _finally-resolved sexual tension_.”

The guests cheered as Rose went on to hug the couple.

Rey smiled at the sight, a little bit of herself getting patched up. The _almost_ two years since the accident, these were the three people who have done all they could for her – all the while they have their own lives going on for them. She was very lucky, and would forever thank the stars because she sat beside Finn in that one Political Science class all those years ago.

She turned back to face the bar, and Lor was fumbling with the jukebox in the corner so she had to lean forward to get another bottle across the other side of the granite counter top.

A large hand reached for the bottle she was eyeing before she could get her grip on it, and she turned to appraise the culprit, her face heating up. “Real mature, Ben.”

Ben rolled his eyes to humor her, and handed her the bottle. “I was trying to be a gentleman?”

“Why would you phrase that as a question.” She said, stated as a matter-of-fact rather than a question.

He licked his lips, as if he was thinking about how to answer. Finally, he decided on a frustratingly small, tight-lipped grin and got a bottle for himself.

Lor got back behind the bar as Fleetwood Mac’s _Everywhere_ crooned out of the speakers. The guests resumed on socializing as the gelato were distributed around by the waiters.

The two of them stayed quiet, drinking as they watched Lor wipe dry the recently washed glasses. The old man outrightly ignored them, as if it was something he had always done and wasn’t at all bothered by the attention he was getting from them both.

“So…” Rey finally gave up and started the small talk, “ _doc_ , thoughts on New York so far?”

Ben glanced at her, inquisitive and a little unsure, “Nothing’s changed that much. Still pretty pricey for its own good; public rest rooms are as terrible as it was a couple of years back. I _did_ miss it, though.” He took a long drink before speaking again, “You never really find home somewhere else when you’ve made one here.”

She nodded, peeling the sticker off the glass absentmindedly. “Are you going to be staying here for good? I remember you telling me about the non-profit having an office in Midtown.”

“I mean, yes –” He shrugged, “- nothing’s set in stone yet, but that’s the plan. I do have a week from tomorrow to go to Cusco, so I’ll probably be back before the New Year’s to decide.”

“You’re not spending Christmas with your family?” She blinked and caught herself, because she didn’t know if he did celebrate Christmas – for all she knew, he might be jewish or agnostic – or as a man of science, an atheist.

“Sorry, that’s too insensitive and this is 2019 New York – let me rephrase.” She held up one finger and his eyes softened as he tried to subdue his chuckles. God, he was so pretty in his own weird way. “You’re not celebrating the _holidays_ with your family?”

He tried to mask his laugh by shaking his head, “They’re going to attend various fundraisers and I just don’t have the patience to immerse in stupid political discussions that would only benefit the egos I have no regard for.”

She took a sip from her drink, realizing it’s almost empty now. After a while, she decided not to expound on the subject, because it was obviously not fun for him and he might leave the party when he just arrived. “Well,” she continued instead, looking at him in the eyes. “Will you tell me why you left? Everybody seemed to miss you.”

His expression faltered for a bit, like it wouldn’t be clear to someone who didn’t know him well – _why do I suddenly knew how to read him?_ came to mind immediately – but he kept it under the wraps and schooled his face back to a neutral façade. “Doing the Lord’s work, I believe.”

She snorted, because it was a stupid answer. It was the answer of a man who wanted to get away from something, hiding behind an unselfish purpose that you could not hold it against him. He _did_ do the Lord’s work to be fair, and he did change the world a little bit by existing.

But leaving something you claimed your home was pretty stupid, because not everyone had the privilege of finding one – Rey was pretty sure she wasn’t there yet. 

People stopped by for a bit to greet Ben, as if he knew everybody present and was clearly not very comfortable with all the attention he was getting. They clapped him in the back, made small talks on their ways to the restroom – Kes even hugged him like Poe did, a bit lingering. They gave each other pointed looks, then Kes turned to her and squeezed an arm still encased in Ben’s coat. “Love what you’ve done with the place. You enjoying the party, darling?”

She gave him a weak grin, “Yes – very anxious about my speech though. I didn’t feel like I prepared enough, and I might not know how to work the room like Rose did.”

Kes smiled back encouragingly, “A few embarrassing stories will do the trick.”

“Yeah – I got some on my sleeves.”

The man nodded and with one last pat on Ben’s shoulder, left to mingle with the other guests.

Lor slid two more bottles and deposited the empty ones on his side of the bar. Rey winked at him and picked up hers. It was now time for the cake cutting, and after that would be the first dance as husband and husband. After would be her speech.

As if Ben could hear her trepidations, he nudged her side with his elbow. “You’ll do great, Rey. Don’t stress about it – they’ll love you up there.”

But she couldn’t _not_ stress about it – she’s not like him, a man who seemed like he had his own gravitational pull. She had never met someone who drew attention from the intimidating way his body was built, to his enigmatic demeanor. He was making her uneasy with his presence and warming her all the same. Maybe that’s why everybody seemed to miss him, talked about him as if he left parts of himself around the city. She used to hear Rose and Finn whisper about a book, or glance at a person who she now realized with a startling conclusion that it reminded them of the man sitting on the stool beside hers.

She held his gaze for a bit, and turned away when they played Finn and Poe’s song on the jukebox.

_‘Pardon the way that I stare, there’s nothing else to compare.’_

_—————_

“I’m going to keep this short and sweet, because I’ve got booze in my system and I know everyone wanted to stand up and tighten their dancing shoes.” Rey addressed the crowd, “Rose pretty much summed up what anyone in this room wanted to say, that Finn and Poe – though terribly bad at dating other people, were perfect for each other.”

She looked at the couple, who looked back at her with smiles on their faces. “Life’s funny, isn’t it? We think we got everything figured out, and then some minor inconvenience would lead us to another inconvenience, and another until it’s not even an inconvenience anymore. I sat beside Finn the first day of my second semester in prelaw because I was late and the chair beside him was the only seat unoccupied. We were young and stupid and got kicked out of class because we argued about the ethics of using sheepskins. I wouldn’t tell you who won and who had this and that – let’s not put down one of the men of the hour.”

Chuckles were heard around the room, and Rey licked her lips and glanced around, briefly meeting Ben’s eyes. “Anyway, Poe met Finn through another inconvenience named Rose Tico.” Full on laughter, with Rose shouting “Hey!” above the noise. “They were undoubtedly smitten with each other, hid it for months with mutual pining on both sides, and so on – until it led us to this very moment. They have something everybody wants, god knows I do – a life of companionship, a love full of sincerity, and a connection of two souls balancing each other out. I can’t believe we’re finally here – and it’s not the finish line for the both of them.

“The last few years have made me realize that every day comes with a challenge, and we are always fortunate to find someone who’d choose us even then. I’m glad Finn has found his Poe,” _oh god, tears_ , “a family that would never leave him, someone who wouldn’t forget all the important dates and who’s not going to run away at the start of a problem. You both deserved the world, and I love you and you’re the best people I know.”

She blinked through the wetness, raising her beer in the couple’s direction. “I’ve already cried three times today, so this seems like the best part to end my little speech. To the husbands, may you find more inconveniences with each other.”

—————

They opened the dance floor not long after Rey’s speech.

She went back to the bar after hugging the couple, kissing their cheeks, and generally crying their eyes out. Finn had been her only constant after high school – never had friends or a permanent family – and now he’s married and she’s never felt so alone and she’s happy for him but it’s going to be so different –

 _“You’re not alone.”_ A voice whispered at the depths of her memories. As if on instinct, she thought back. _Neither are you._

Lor was the ever-lingering presence behind the bar, watching as people made their ways to the dance floor. Her previous drinking buddy was talking to Rose across the room, who looked like she was berating him for something, with her hands on her waist. Ben was glaring at the smaller woman, in challenge, but it held no amount of animosity. He knew she meant well.

The old man cleared his throat, eyes trained on his half-eaten slice of chocolate cake. Rey turned her attention back to him, “For an old man, you sure have the sweetest tooth.”

“It’s the only life I have,” He grumbled, taking yet another spoonful. “You should stop flirting with Ben.”

She frowned, “I’m not flirting with Ben. I was trying to be friends with him.”

He shrugged, nonchalant. “Not the way it looks from here.” He regarded the coat she was still wearing and returned to his food.

“And is it really so bad – for me to flirt with him?” She asked, curious and frustrated. “I’m not the worst person to exist in the world.”

“Just don’t want you both making decisions you’ll regret later on.”

Before she could speak though, he gestured back to the dance floor. Paige, Rose’s sister, was grabbing Ben’s wrist and dragging him toward the center. He wasn’t very happy about it, but the look on his face could be interpreted as ‘I’ll agree with a little more push’. The jukebox was playing Journey and it couldn’t be more appropriate for the two of them – the small town girl and the city boy.

 _Was she the ex?_ She mused to herself with a twinge of dejection. _They do look good together. It would make sense._

Except it didn’t, because Rey was still wearing Ben’s coat – smelling his cologne and feeling the warmth of his body. She was so ahead of herself, and it’s not like he was showing her mixed signals. _Okay_ , _woah – is this what you mean by trying to be friends? That’s not very wholesome at all. Maybe Lor’s right, then._

She shrugged out of his coat for good measures, and instantly she felt the chilly December night hit her like a brick. Nevertheless, she folded the massive piece of clothing neatly and placed it on its owner’s previously occupied stool.

As she straightened her posture, about to take a sip of her drink, a finger tapped lightly on her bare shoulder.

Her gaze drifted off to Lor, who looked at her pointedly, before she turned around to face the other person.

It was one of Poe’s colleagues from his stint in Senator Organa’s campaign – Ransolm, she believed his name was. He was very clean, from the way his facial hair was cut, down to his well-fitted tailored suit – it kind of reminded her of the first time she saw Ben at Kaydel’s: _This man could run for office_.

“Hi,” Ransolm said, “Do you remember me – we met each other a few years back? One Direction concert in Baltimore, 2015?”

Rey’s eyes widened in recognition, _Th_ _at’s why he was so familiar._ “Shit, yeah – I do remember you. Sorry – I saw you on Poe’s facebook, but I forgot where else! Hi –” she grinned, “how are you?”

He gestured to Lor, and the other man slid a glass of brandy – she would guess from the liquid’s amber color. He took the drink and slid on the other side of her stool, “Been great – yeah. Can’t believe I went to that concert though?”

“What do you mean ‘ _you can’t believe’_?” She jibed good-naturedly, “Do you mean you’re too good for One Direction?”

He laughed, the sound low and musical. _He’s extremely perfect for public service. What a poster boy._ “No, no – they’re _great_!”

“Let me guess – got dragged by your girlfriend at the time?” She tipped the mouth of her beer in his direction. He licked his lips, grinning. “I’m not the only boyfriend who got dragged, I believe.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She blinked, drinking. “I wasn’t with anyone then.”

The other man’s smile faltered, like he couldn’t understand but was looking for a way to say that he didn’t. “Did you break up – I thought you’re still together?”

She made a face, waiting for a memory but coming up with nothing, “Together – I don’t – sorry, got into an accident around two years ago and there are spots – _together_?”

“Yeah – I mean, I saw him –” he gestured with his thumb over his shoulder, and as they were both about to turn, Lor slammed a bottle over the granite a little louder than he could have. They faced the bartender with questioning looks. He jutted his chin to the door, and Rey immediately turned to see Ben walking out of it.

Without another thought, she grabbed his coat and ran after him.

He was a few meters away from the door when she got out of the pub. The wind was chilly in the surprisingly idle street, but it wasn’t raining so she didn’t mind it that much. “Ben – where are you going?”

Ben paused and slowly turned around, as if he wasn’t sure if somebody had actually called him. When he saw Rey, he was surprised, but he didn’t continue moving so she had time to catch up to him in her goddamn heels. “Leaving so soon?”

“I have to pack.” He said, and she rolled her eyes at his lame excuse. “What do you have to pack – you’re staying in a hotel.”

He sighed, running a hand across his hair. “I have to go, Rey.”

“Do you?” She extended the hand with the coat clutched in it. “You’re not going to ask me to dance before you leave?”

 _And that was flirting, Lor_.

She was preparing for the rejection when he didn’t speak for a while, and simpered weakly at the coat in her hand as if to say it was fine, that she was letting him go. His gaze drifted to the heavy fabric and then took it from her. She tried not to show her chagrin on her expression, but when he draped the coat over her back and held his hand out, she couldn’t help the smile that broke across her face.

The first few beats of an Air Supply track streamed from the cracks of the opened door, and she grabbed his hand and wrapped the other around him. He pulled her close, their hands entwined near their bodies that she couldn’t help but lean closer, her face pressed on his shoulder.

It felt intimate and familiar – it was _dizzying,_ her heart stuttering inside her chest – the way they were swaying slowly to the music with no regard for the college students who threw them weird glances. It felt like something they should be doing, something they’d have done before, because she knew and anticipated his movements like the lyrics to her favorite songs.

_‘Even the nights are better since I found you.’_

“If you’re going to ask me what I think, I say you should move back here.” She whispered, more to herself than to him.

His hand tightened a little more around hers, thumb running circles on the patch of skin he could reach. “I’d like to stay.” He said, like he was asking for her permission.

She nodded, a part of the void in her chest closing. _You can stay as long as you want._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song they danced to is Air Supply’s Even The Nights Are Better.
> 
> Edit: i forgot to say but Hiddleston is the face cast (as originally imagined in Bloodline) for Ransolm Casterfo.
> 
> —————
> 
> [ You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong.](https://youtu.be/EUoe7cf0HYw)


	5. Four

_Both of you were sitting on the bed of his hand-me-down pickup because he would rather wait out the crowd than join the cluster-fuck on the way out._

_It was midnight, and you were looking up at the stars that blanketed the open parking. People passed by you two, excitedly gushing amongst themselves in their post-concert highs. He was exhausted and you knew that he didn’t enjoy himself as much as you’d hoped. It still made you smile at the grass, your feet dangling down the dented tail of the truck. “Bet you regret offering to come with me, don’t you?”_

_His gaze bore on your face, mouth pressed in a thin line. “It was_ so _loud.”_

_You rolled your eyes and nudged his side, “It’s a concert specifically marketed on teenage girls. You literally signed up for your own death.”_

_You two were silent for a while, still new into this relationship thing even though you’ve known each other almost three years now. You wished he hadn’t stepped up the moment you told him you were going alone – now wondering if he was turned off by your ridiculous screaming and if you were going to be single the next day._

_But you remembered thinking at the time, that in the two years since you’ve met, he couldn’t possibly unlike you_ now. _He had more than two fucking years to get to know you – the way you liked your ‘disgustingly sweet’ coffee; your hackneyed sense of humor that only consisted of recycled_ The Office _references; your obsession with pretty boyband members – all these things, he was already aware of from the start, but that didn’t stop him from dating you, albeit a little later than you would have preferred._

_He shook his head though – which was a relief on its own, that you haven’t noticed you were holding your breath. “No, I don’t regret it.”_

_You chanced a glance at him, your heart skipping when you caught him looking at you as well. “You don’t –_ why _? Wait a minute, is there a catch?”_

_He snorted and gave you an incredulous look, like you were missing the whole picture. You stared back at the thinning crowd, and a minute later, you felt him take your right hand from your lap and entwined your fingers together._

_And then, under the moon and the stars, with excited teenage girls and sleeping critters to bear witness, he declared quietly – like it was the easiest, truest thing, “Because I love you, and I think this is it for me.”_

**I love you.** She wanted to say back desperately because he had to _know_ , reaching and pulling until the dream faded into itself, her hand twitching when the warmth she felt left her grasp. **I have loved you even then, and I will love you persistently.**

**_I don’t want to forget you._ **

_“Rey? Don’t worry,”_ She heard his self-assured whisper clutching the edges of her unconsciousness, squeezing her eyes close so she could delay this – this feeling of being _loved_ so undoubtedly, dragging it out until all that was left were traces and frays of words once spoken. _“I’m here. Take your time, I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”_

—————

She needed to find answers.

Rey looked and looked, scrubbed her house clean, went to her old apartment in the lower east side, retraced her steps, went to Kaydel’s, went back to Maz’s. She found traces, feeling of belongingness she was always craving, but never enough to remember – always never _enough_.

At night, she dreamt of warm hands, of a face she could not recognize, of a love she longed to feel. Shards of memories were the only ones she had, and the regret washing over her was fueled by the fact that she was the one who was too much a coward to want to remember.

“Get yourself together.” She muttered to herself as she carried BB’s crate from her apartment to Finn and Poe’s, having babysat the latter’s cat while they went off on their week-long honeymoon.

It was New Year’s Eve, and her watch told her she was an hour late but the continuous peril of having forgotten something important was gnawing at her chest, leaving her empty and dragging and not wanting to associate with anyone. “What a fucking loser.”

BB, as if sensing Rey’s depressive moods the past few days, have nipped at her sock-clad toes, meowed directly in her ear, and pawed at her nose and cheeks until she showered and got her ass off the bed.

Maybe it was good that the cat was with her then. It kept her from crashing into herself.

But fuck, her arms were aching and it was _freezing_. The trek from Tribeca to Greenwich Village was just a little under an hour, however, the cat was unbelievably overweight and seemed to be delighted at the fact that he was being carried like an Egyptian god. It didn’t help elevate her dampened mood.

On the crowded streets, people seemed to get out of her way – like touching her or looking at her would be a bad omen to start the year with. She huffed in annoyance as one of Finn and Poe’s stupid neighbor literally screeched when she almost bumped to him. “Yeah, go to your own party.” She muttered, getting to the lift and pressing the fifth floor.

This day couldn’t end fast enough.

—————

Poe and Finn’s party was just an intimate gathering of friends – which meant _a lot_ of people squished into their living area, courtesy of Poe’s congenial disposition. Granted, the party was _way_ smaller than their wedding reception, but fifteen people fitting in the 850 square foot space was still far too crowded.

Even BB was in dilemma when Poe opened the door to let them in. “How’s the most beautiful creature in the world?” Poe said, as he unlocked his cat’s crate and kissed its furry, orange forehead. “Did you have fun with Rey – did she feed you lots, you spoiled fatty?”

“I’m alright, thank you.” Rey rolled her eyes and clapped Poe’s shoulder on the way to the kitchen.

She spotted Finn refilling the punch bowl with vodka. “Hey, are you planning to open the new year all day in bed? _That_ is not a very reasonable amount of alcohol.”

“Rey!” He grinned, ignoring her remark as he recklessly poured the bottle over the mixture with one arm and hugged her with the other. He looked a bit tipsy, to be fair. “You’re so late.”

She pried the bottle from his grasp and set it down on the counter, “Yeah, sorry about that -” she leaned back on the wall adjacent to the breakfast nook and forced a smile, “- how’s your honeymoon? Did you even get to enjoy Nassau at this time of the year?”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “No, it was fucking cold. We should have gone for the spring wedding.” Then, he reached for her hand and squeezed it fondly. “How are you holding up? Seems like I’ve forgotten to ask you that lately.”

Rey smiled weakly – of course Finn would know without her telling him. She had known him the longest, and if the circumstances were different and he weren’t so in love with Poe, she would probably end up with him. They were both lonely, found a place with each other, and not even marriage could take that away. Their partners would just have to deal with that. “I’m… not in my best, but I’ll get there.”

Finn frowned and tucked a loose curl behind her ear, “You want to talk about it?”

She shook her head – _not today._ “Let’s get that monstrosity out for consumption.”

They walked into the small hallway leading to the living area, talking about mundane things, such as Finn being very grumpy about not being able to see his husband in a speedo and Rey being stuck in her apartment for most of the holidays.

He stopped, though, before they could get into the archway, conversations and laughter resounding from the other side. The punch dribbled down Finn’s hand due to the sudden movement, and Rey paused, “Do you want me to help you carry that?”

“No, just -” he took a deep breath and stared at her, seemingly alarmed with something he remembered. “You know you mean a lot to me, right? And that despite everything, I have your best interest in mind. Before this year ends, I just want you to know that.”

She nodded, not really knowing where he was getting at. He gave her a pointed look, like he wanted to actually say something but he couldn’t – because his loyalty and his heart wouldn’t betray her. “Why – have I had you sworn on something?”

“Sworn – what, is this the 1800s? _No.”_ He muttered, rolling his eyes. “Just start the year right, follow where your instinct tells you. It worked out so much until now.”

—————

The last time Rey saw Ben was after their little dance that she refused to think about after it had happened.

It sent butterflies to her stomach, filled her with guilt for wanting it because she was bound to someone – literally the man of her dreams, who cried over her while she crossed the line between life and death, who held her hand as he confessed he loved her, who would carry her to bed when she fell asleep on the couch.

But the man wasn’t here, was he? He left her to forget about him.

And looking at Ben now, across Finn and Poe’s living room, with their friends surrounding him – friends who couldn’t get enough of him because he’d been away for so long – uncomfortably shifting in his seat as he answered questions about his trip, Rey felt her heart skipped a beat.

Ben, who wrapped his coat tighter around her once the song was over, lingered as he reluctantly let her go, and never looked back after he said his goodbyes because he said he might not leave if he did, was here right now, in the flesh. And so what if she thought about dancing with him again? He was here, and somehow, that mattered more.

Immediately, though, it filled her with dread. Despite the fact that she was not having the greatest week in history, could she really ever let herself commit to someone as perfect as Ben while she’s this – _this messy_ excuse of a human _._ She couldn’t even sort out the inner demons she have been battling since the accident, hovering over the edge of wanting to remember someone and being mad at them about it.

Rey had made a promise to someone – how could she let herself doubt it just because another guy came and swept her off her feet?

It wouldn’t be fair to dreamy, _lovely_ Ben not to have someone whole, to only give half of herself to him. For him, it would be all or nothing.

But he’s making her way towards her right now, and she couldn’t move because his eyes were rooting her there, on that spot beside the archway, near the flower painting Finn bought from a farmers’ market in Indiana. He’s holding his bottle of beer and he was quirking his lips and it made her heart flutter because he’s so perfect and she couldn’t – _couldn’t_ be perfect for him. Because he was so funny and he changed the world by merely existing and he didn’t just give her pitying looks when they met again.

Could she really stop herself, though, when Ben was looking like this – in an ugly Christmas jumper with Rudolph’s fuzzy red nose sticking out In the middle of it all – and _why does he still look good?_

“Hi.” He mumbled, waving his large hand awkwardly.

She blinked twice, her face lit up by an involuntary smile. “Done saving the world?”

“Are you really ever _done_?” he answered, grinning. “I came back, though.”

“The real question would be is if you’re staying.” _Follow where your instinct tells you,_ she thought to herself, _will it work out this time?_

—————

At 11:59 pm, they all huddled together with their significant others, glancing at the clock and watching as the seconds hand reached number 9.

“Fifteen seconds!” Poe said, wrapping an arm around Finn’s shoulders. The two of them started to count down the last moments of the year.

Rey was standing near the window, watching them, watching Ben on the other side of the room as he picked up another bottle of beer.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven -”

She watched him make a face, glancing around the room. “Four, three, two -”

“ _One_.” She saw him murmur under his breath as his eyes finally settled on hers.

_Found you._

And everyone’s kissing and the speaker was _way_ too loud and somehow, around these couples who were locked in the embraces of people they loved, their gazes meeting was as good as a new year’s kiss, if not better.

“Happy new year.” She mouthed at him. _This is a bad idea._

—————

It was three in the morning, and Finn and Poe’s party had just died down – which meant that ten of the fifteen people attending have left, leaving the newly weds, Rey, Ben, and Paige to clean up the aftermath. Rose’s little family had left earlier than her sister, of course; she had kept her toddler up late enough as it was.

Rey would be sleeping on their couch tonight, because it was tradition and the hour-long trek at this time of the night wasn’t exactly the safest – Paige lived a couple of buildings down from here, and was picking up cans and bottles to throw on her way out.

“Bye, guys! Happy new year!” She kissed Rey’s cheek as Poe picked up his keys to walk her to her apartment, clutching the bag of recyclables in his other hand.

Finn nudged Rey when the two left, “You really okay doing the dishes?”

She nodded, squeezing his shoulder as she moved past him. “Go sleep. I’ll take care of this.”

As if on cue, he yawned and smiled at her gratefully. “Tell Poe I already went to bed, ‘kay?” He kissed the top of her head, “Love you, peanut – happy new year.”

“Love you.” She murmured, wrapping an arm around his waist and giving him one squeeze, before she patted his back and waved him off to the bedroom.

She glanced around the living area and sighed. Rey’s free time back in pre-law was spent working at a deli and a coffee shop, and the thing she hated the most was washing the dishes – like, if there’s a choice between moping the room or doing the dishes, she’d really rather just mop.

But it’s part of the job – she could hardly complain. 

She gathered the lasts of the empty dip bowls and some of the glasses, balancing them with an ease of someone who was too afraid to break company property because she didn’t want the reimbursement deducted from her meager paycheck.

The light was on in the kitchen, and she hesitated because Ben was there and he was taking care of the leftovers and putting them in Tupperwares.

 _Get a grip, Rey._ She thought as she entered, hearing the faucet turn and the water run.

Rey couldn’t help but grin despite her anxiety. It was endearing because he was an _as seen on TV_ doctor but he was standing in a small New York kitchen, clad in an ugly jumper at three in the morning, the sleeves of which were bunched up near his elbows as they slowly descended until they slipped back around his wrists.

Ben grumbled, annoyed with his wet sleeves, and and tried to hike them up again. He made it worst, seemingly giving up as she approached and settled her armload in the sink.

He sneaked a glance at her and continued scrubbing a well-greased frying pan. She rolled her eyes, and instinctively reached out to fold the sleeves of his jumper thrice so that it wouldn’t get soaked.

“Thank you.” He said, chuckling and shaking his head. “I was getting desperate.”

She bit her lip to keep from smiling and wiped what had been washed before putting them away.

They worked in comfortable silence – Ben handing over the clean dishes and Rey drying them. It was domestic and oddly personal, like friends who just met again shouldn’t be this in synced and at peace with each other’s mere presence.

She couldn’t help but think that she could have this every night if she wanted to – well, granted if _he_ would want this all the same. The look from earlier didn’t confirm anything, it had actually gotten her more confused. He was still hung up on his ex, wasn’t he?

And maybe she had this before, maybe she was stupid enough to let this go – thing was, she couldn’t find the answer; she’d been looking and retracing and she hadn’t gotten any further.

All in all, they were never a good idea to begin with.

Rey broke their little bubble in about five minutes, fiddling with the edge of the washcloth as she waited for him to finish. “It’s late – aren’t you going to go home?”

Ben quirked his lips in amusement, answering after a few moments as if he was choosing his words. “I moved upstairs. Eighth floor.”

She blinked up at him – a bit stupidly, to be honest – and almost missed the pasta bowl he was handing her. Nodding, she inwardly berated herself when she felt a bit hurt – he was staying in New York and he obviously wanted to move near Paige.

 _God, Rey – stop pining over a boy. You’re a grown woman._ “Oh, that’s – _good._ You’ll be closer to Paige, then. Why didn’t you walk her home?”

He paused, the running water clashing steadily onto the stainless surface of the sink. “Paige? Why would I want to be closer to Paige?”

Her brows furrowed, and she had to look up at him in confusion. “Didn’t you used to date?”

He snorted, an honest-to-god _snort_ – making him seem younger, and it dumbly tugged at her chest where the void should be. “Yes, we did – ages ago, for, like, six weeks. Yes, it was fun, but it’s not like it lasted.”

“Too bad,” she murmured as he continued with his task, her heart sighing in relief – _you should not be relieved, Rey. –_ “You two look great together.”

Suddenly though, the glass he was holding slipped from his grasp. It didn’t break because the fall was around a couple of inches to the bottom of the sink, but it was loud enough for her to stop what she was doing.

There was a trace of hurt in his features that he tried to cover up with a self-depreciating smile as he picked up the glass. She felt like she did something wrong and she wished she could take it back but she didn’t know what it was, or how to. “Sorry – I’m not… sure why I said that. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw him pursed his lips. He clearly wanted to say something, and she wished he would say _anything_ just to break the tension, but he kept quiet, and she knew it was futile to even attempt at another apology.

Thankfully, Poe stepped into the kitchen a few beats later, yawning loudly and stretching his arms over his head. He mumbled a sleepy _thanks_ at the two of them and hurried to the bedroom to join his husband.

It was enough for Rey to cut the awkward silence short though. She nudged Ben, who was adjusting his sleeves back as she was finishing the lasts of the dishes. “You wanna go up? To the roof?”

“It’s freezing. Are you going to die on my watch?” He whispered, keeping his voice low because a standard New York apartment might be expensive, but the walls were unfortunately not very thick.

She giggled, and she noticed a flicker of warmth on his face. “You’re a doctor, I’m sure it’ll be _fine._ ”

—————

The two of them tip-toed around the apartment to get their coats and a fleece blanket each because it’s cold and Rey had never been used to the weather since the ten years she had been living in the city. It was always associated with the orphanage — which didn’t have enough heating for a bunch of sad kids, or foster homes that just couldn’t afford the luxury.

Ben had carried the tea he had brewed up to the roof while she fed BB because the cat hated him and it had a habit of scratching on your furniture at five in the morning if it was hungry. The ruined varnish on her bed frame would serve as evidence enough.

Rey put the spare key in her pocket as she walked to the elevator, carrying her blanket and her coat and shivering despite the fact that she was not in the open air yet.

_This is a bad idea._

When she entered the roof, he was already sitting on the padded two-seater swing that the landlord had installed three years ago. He looked up at her from his phone and made space, handing her a mug as she sat down beside him.

“Thanks.” She sighed, appreciating the warmth from the hot drink.

He shrugged and leaned back, bringing his own mug to his lips in thought. She wrapped the blanket tighter around her frame, gazing at the lit-up skyline that never really slept. There was a series of loud, rambunctious laughter on the street below, and a guy shouting “It’s fucking four in the morning, you dickhead!” from a window in the building across.

She chuckled, shaking her head – she’d never get tired of this city. It was never boring. “You’re really dumb for leaving, you know that?”

“What.” He muttered, eyes briefly traveling on her face before returning to the view. She grinned, “You’d never find this in another city.”

“Drunken idiots? Angry baby-boomers? Rey,” he deadpanned, “I believe every city – no, every _street_ in America has mandatory rules that require it.”

She rolled her eyes, settling back and making herself more comfortable. “No, I mean everyone missed you, I can’t explain it. It wasn’t that the world stopped when you were gone, but – _I don’t know_ – it seems right, isn’t it? For you to be here?”

He smiled sheepishly, his face dotted with the city lights and he was so beautiful and she just wanted to stay in this moment, _and would that be so bad?_

“Stop romanticizing me. I had my reasons for leaving and I just stopped making excuses for myself.” He didn’t say it like he was offended, but something told her he was opening up a part of himself he wouldn’t normally give out. She angled her body to him, wanting to listen intently. “It wasn’t like I wanted to leave – but it was getting too much and I needed to get out, give it time. Leaving seems fair, and _smart_.”

She felt like he didn’t want to elaborate, even if she wanted to ask more. She would never impose on someone who wasn’t completely ready, it would be a disservice to what had happened to her. Nobody had forced her into anything, into remembering and into refusing to remember. She made those decisions herself.

“Are you happy, though, now that you had returned?” She whispered instead, breathing in his scent and the familiarity of this – of _him_.

He turned his gaze from the skyline to her, eyes the shade of the sky at midnight, made more lovely by the street lamps below and the few lit windows from the complex across. “I – _yes._ I think I’m happy now.”

She smiled behind her mug when she heard his answer, “I’m glad. You’re one of our own.”

—————

Another hour had passed, and Rey’s eyes have been heavy with the lack of sleep. She assumed Ben was the same, as he had he went straight from the airport to the party and that Poe was mainly the one who got him the flat and its only furniture - a mattress in the middle of the bedroom, beside his suitcase (another courtesy of the newlyweds, who had very graciously let him borrow their guest room’s own fixture – _“Oh, that’s why I’m sleeping on the couch.”_ )

Both of them were now sober, having drank the pot of tea he brewed – _“I’m willingly going to Cusco just for this tea.”_ – and their conversations lighter after the sad parts were done with. She was in the middle of a story about how her co-worker had replaced the gym brochures in their building with their buff co-worker’s number when she saw him stop himself from yawning.

“I’m offended, Ben.” She said with feigned annoyance; she was very much amused. He was trying and he was obviously very sleepy. “I thought my story was not _that_ boring.”

He shook his head, about to apologize but he was yawning again, and she let her laughter loose. “Wanna hit the sack?”

“No,” he said hurriedly, leaning back at the padded seat and closing his eyes, “tell me more, please. I’m listening, I swear.”

She bit her lip to stop herself from giggling like a school girl. “Are you really? How about you do the story telling so you see how it feels?”

He opened one of his eyes to peek down at her and closed it back a moment later, “Don’t have anything to say. My life’s a bit boring, to be honest.”

“Tell me how we met?” It seemed a safe ground to start on, “I can’t remember.”

He took his time – didn’t even move that she thought he had fallen asleep apart from the distinguishable frown on his face. She waited, because she might have been wrong, that it wasn’t a subject he was very keen to discuss, that she had overstepped the invisible boundaries of his comfort zone. She almost wished she didn’t say anything, because maybe they haven’t really met properly – after all, he was Paige’s ex and that might have been the only connection they have in common, just friends who ran around the same circles but weren’t really acquainted. 

But Ben opened his eyes not long after, his gaze wistful on the dawning horizon. “Poe and I grew up together, I think you knew as much.” When Rey nodded in confirmation, he continued. “He was currently in his second year of law school, and me at my last year in med school, and you know how the medical department was a ways off from the main campus lot? We used to share an apartment strategically located between the two. And Poe – well, I don’t really know and until now, I’m not very sure how he forced me to walk from my lecture hall to his. I vaguely remembered it having to do with some emergency about the apartment and he has the _thing_ so he needs me to come get it first – _super_ shady, what a fucking liar. I cannot believe I was stupid enough to fall for it, it was clearly a trap.”

“He was very persuasive.” Rey agreed, watching him chuckle under his breath.

“That he was. _Anyway_ , I was very pissed off because I didn’t really have the time and I was running late for a very important meeting. We were about to go over the next clinical rotations and I didn’t want to get the shitty ones because I was planning to take another class so I could finish early. There’s this important hospital waiting for me to do my residency – extremely exclusive, sort of like Harvard Med, but for residents.”

“Ah, the child prodigy. I bet you also got accepted into Harvard Med.”

He shrugged, “Didn’t mean to sound arrogant. It is what it is.”

She rolled her eyes but didn’t speak again, so he resumed. “The only emergency was that Poe was very much intimidated by Finn, and needed the constant assurance that he was friends with important people – _exempli_ _gratia_ , my mother.

“So he introduced us, and you were _absolutely_ the worst bunch of twenty-one year-olds who’ve just been validated for an alcoholic drink and were all too eager to let the world know. And there were so much _The Office_ references that I couldn’t keep up! I remembered thinking I was too old for this, and I shouldn’t have come.”

“Okay, _boomer_.” She muttered, not very annoyed but he was such an uptight jerk that she kind of knew why they weren’t close in the first place.

He’s the one to roll his eyes now, but he was still talking so it didn’t really matter. “ _See_ , that’s exactly what Michael Scott would say had it been hyped back then. This conversation actually gave me war flashbacks, _wow_.”

She slapped his arm lightly as he chuckled and then licked his lips. “Needless to say, I sulked all night and got the worst schedule out of anyone – graveyard shift, terribly understaffed hospital. I hadn’t managed to snag the residency because they needed someone urgently, but like you said,” he smiled down at her, the one that wasn’t very big but showed the endearing dimples on his cheeks, “inconveniences lead to other inconveniences that, looking back now, it didn’t seem like an inconvenience anymore.”

She agreed, staring up at the fading constellation in the dark of the early morning sky – _It’s just fate._

—————

Rey decided that staying over at Finn’s would be counterproductive when she and Ben have gone down from the roof at seven in the morning. She’d be _fine_ – the streets were busy enough as it was with people having just ditched their one night stands and no one would dare take her purse with last night’s festivities hanging over their heads.

Ben was walking her towards the door, and he was looking at her like he’d want to say something – _anything_ – to keep this longer, and she couldn’t hold it against him because she’d like to talk to him some more, listen to his med school shenanigans – _“It’s not that exciting, Rey.”_ – exchange ridiculous jokes and _just_ exist within his orbit.

It’s January 1st, and there’s no excuse not to be with the people you’d like to spend the rest of the year with.

He smiled when they reached the last step leading to the concrete sidewalk, hands in his pockets like he was going to say something embarrassing. “Are you going to be fine on your own, or would you like me to walk with you?”

She grinned back, rolling her eyes at the memory from a week ago. “Still too early?”

He nodded, “You live a few blocks away and it wouldn’t bother me too much. Besides,” he winked, “I haven’t been in New York for a while, and I could use someone who’s familiar with the places.”

“Of course,” Rey chuckled, nodding, happy to get another chance to take him on that walk – en route to the long way home, “the city begs to be seen by you.”

—————

_Maybe it was hindsight, but the sixth time you saw him, you remembered his cheeks stained in the loveliest shade of pink from the amount of rum he’d consumed, face planted on the cool surface of the table at Maz’s because he was sulking and he didn’t get the answer to a question on an exam. He was seated opposite your own and beside your friend who introduced you, turned away from the chatters of your other friends and you couldn’t keep up with the conversation because out of all the times you’ve seen him, this was the most he’s not a condescending idiot._

_“What’s wrong with you?” You asked him quietly, nudging his knee with your foot. His face scrunched up in annoyance but nevertheless outright ignored you. You rolled your eyes and muttered, “Right – oh hail the supreme leader, gracing us peasants with your ever holy presence.”_

_He lifted his head a bit to look at you behind his very-hipster prescription glasses, clearly not appreciating the snark. “Stop trying to be concerned; I’ll only break your heart.”_

_And maybe he did break it even then, because despite the fact that it never crossed your mind that the two of you would get together – you’re mates, it doesn’t feel right – he was still someone you’d want to hang around with. He’s smart and he’s focused and he could carry a conversation about politics and religion and science without making you feel your opinion about it didn’t matter. But he could be such a temperemental jerk if he wanted – and he’d grab the chance whenever it’s available._

_You knew that was the start – and you began to hate him because how dare he assume to have claim on your heart enough to break it? And maybe your friends have started to notice because the two of you kept bickering every time you meet up at the pub for drinks, and sometimes he would go to the main campus’ library and would sit opposite your desk just to spite you, or you would accidentally-on-purpose kick the leg of the table you’re sharing because you knew it irritated the hell out of him._

_And maybe your friends have had enough, so when the flu wormed its way onto his hospital shift, eight months into your ‘friendship’ on a cold rainy night, and he got sick, suddenly nobody was ‘available’ to babysit apart from you. Apparently all your friends have plans – even_ his own _freaking roommate – and you’re the only one who had free time._

 _“It’d be fine, he’s not_ that _contagious,” They said, “He’s just in bed all day, you can study outside his room.”_

_So you went, because you knew how it was not to have someone who’d take care of you when you’re sick – and wasn’t that the worst feeling?_

_Even if he’s a prick who didn’t appreciate good things._

_You knocked on his bedroom door – didn’t open it as the exposure wasn’t really necessary. “Hey. I’m here, just call out if you need anything.”_

_When you heard nothing apart from a loud sneeze, you assumed he was still alive so you shrugged and made camp on the floor beside his door. The couch a few feet away have never looked softer, but you’d fall asleep once you sat down, and that wouldn’t be productive because you’re way behind your readings and you have your thesis to write._

_A few hours later – or minutes, you wouldn’t know, because it would appear that time didn’t matter here, and you’ve been re-reading this stupid paragraph that you couldn’t make sense of – he opened the door, his footsteps heavy and posture slouched. You looked up from your book and saw that there were bags under his eyes, which were red-rimmed and watery, the tip of his nose almost raw from the constant contact with the facial tissue. He looked awful and almost delirious from the fever._

_You stood up from your spot – definitely a few hours, because your legs were stiff from sitting – and the only indication that he knew you were there was the furrowing of his brows as he made his way to the kitchen._

_“Look,” you said as you moved to follow him, “you should have stayed in bed.”_

_“It’s fine.” He mumbled, his tall frame bent down to take stock of the opened fridge door. You would have thought he had fallen asleep kneeling as it’s been a while and he still had his eyes closed, his breathing even._

_You cleared your throat, tapping him on the shoulder. “Buddy? Let’s get you back in bed, okay? You’re burning up.”_

_“I’m fine.” He grunted, cheeks pressed on the inside wall of the fridge. You rolled your eyes at his ever persevering stubbornness, hoisting him up by his elbow and dragging him away as you shut the door with your foot. “You’re wasting electricity! Come on, stop being a baby. Have you eaten? Did you take your medicine? Where are your other friends, the snobby ginger and that scary-looking lady?”_

_He shook his head, too sick to argue about your nagging and being dragged away. You didn’t make it to his room because he was too heavy and he was making his way onto the couch, stumbling face first on a square throw. He was already asleep by the time you crouched down, your hand drifting on his warm, sweaty forehead, sweeping the lovely curls of his hair away from his face. “This is what you get for taking more hours than what you can handle. You’re not the back bone of that hospital, stupid. You just passed your Step 2-whatever!”_

_Your cold hand must have been comforting on his cheek, because he made a soft, satisfied noise under his breath and pressed his palm over your own._

_You’ve noticed he was handsome before – of course you did, he was oozing with charisma and he was a future doctor brought up in a world of that much legacy and influential people around – but it was different this up-close, because you’ve never dared to look at his face long enough without suffering the consequences._

_And that might have been the moment you knew he had the right to say he’d break your heart, and a few years after that, he did well on his word._

_As you laid on the cold pavement, with the rain falling from the night sky and his wet hand on your face, he begged, over and over. “No, no, no – don’t do this to me. Please. Come back to me. Please.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘you’re mates, it doesn’t feel right’ line was from The 1975’s ‘Me & You Together Song’.
> 
> Errors are mine, I was too lazy to edit. Lmk what you think! 
> 
> —————
> 
> [This ain’t for the best, my reputation’s never been worse, so you must like me for me.](https://youtu.be/tCXGJQYZ9JA)


	6. Five

February found Rey laying her cheeks most mornings on the table of her usual spot at Kaydel’s, having gone to work earlier because busy roads were fucking slippery at this weather and her dreams often didn’t let her stay unconscious longer than she would have liked.

Basically – life returned to normal after the whirlwind of the holidays. Finn and Poe were settling to the newness of being married, and Rose was always finding something to fight for, which was nice because she was also trying to win the uphill battle of being a mother. Ben was off to god knew where for the first two months of the year, which limited them to emailing because Rey was happy to send him Ikea boards for his barely furnished apartment. They planned to do the shopping once he’s back mid next month - which was unlikely, given what’s happening.

“Rey!” Kaydel called from behind the counter, gearing up for the incoming morning rush, “John Mayer or Sam Smith?”

She furrowed her brows, head still on the flat surface, eyes watching the onslaught of commuters outside. “John Mayer, please.”

 _Room for Squares_ looped through the speakers as more people went in for their daily fix.

God, how Rey envied these people, who had their lives figured out enough to know the best time to start going to work, or knew their tastes enough that they wouldn’t second guess their orders. It seemed like life was moving, going forward, except for her, still rooted to a job she didn’t have any passion for, or the way she never really liked the field she majored in.

_You passed the bar exam – stop being whiny! So ungrateful! Not everyone has the opportunities presented to you._

She got lucky, that much she knew; always did well in school, gotten through her entrance exams just fine, got in her dream college, got sponsored by some politician who wanted to be relevant by spending their budget on an orphan, gave her the choice to take the best route to earn the most money as soon as possible. It wasn’t a bad life, all in all, and she was proud of what she had accomplished – but there was always something, like she could never be happy with what she’s doing.

She didn’t know if it’s because she never really liked law, or politics, as much as Poe did, or wasn’t as passionate with humanitarian causes like Finn or Rose. Rey did her part in the movements she supported, donated her spare money and rallied along with her friends like good citizens did. She supposed she just didn’t want the dead-end desk job – corporate law never did give off the _food for the soul_ thing, though the money’s great – but it’s empty, she’s groundless. It’s depressing, and it left her with so much what-ifs.

For so long, she had determined herself an independent woman – _“I can buy myself flowers, why would I need a guy for that?”_ or _“That’s what sex toys are for, Rose.” –_ and she still was, that didn’t change. But once upon a time, a time she could barely remember, she was held and reassured and she didn’t doubt what she was doing. There’s the void in her chest, _the proof_ , and it was tiring. It didn’t make her want to get up in the morning.

 _What’s the point, amirite?_ She chuckled to herself, humorless. _I’m going mad. Is this early midlife crisis? I’m barely thirty!_

 _I need to get out_. _Just a for a few days._

—————

Rey didn’t get very far – there’s an epidemic apparently, advising everyone to avoid traveling unnecessarily – and she might be dispirited, but she didn’t want to die because of some illness. That was an expensive way to go, if not painful.

There was this beach in East Hampton, not very crowded at this time of the year due to the cold weather. It was quiet, and it was accessible through a train ride so she didn’t need to burden her friends. Nobody knew where she was – Finn had tried calling a few times, as did Rose and Poe, but she assured them that she was fine and turned off her phone.

She was seated on the wooden steps of a rented beach house, overlooking the ocean with her knees pressed to her chest. Her mind was blank for hours now; she did nothing but stare at the ripples and the horizon. Time was slow here, and it didn’t matter because there was literally nothing to do but think. She almost wished to have brought a friend.

But she needed this retreat – she was sad and she had too much on her mind. It would be cathartic.

Rey thought about the man she was dreaming about, and then Ben – who she was probably halfway in love with (how could she not be?) – and her work, then her life. Her parents, who she never really knew – _Are they fine? Did they think about me? Did they regret leaving?_

Then she thought about her dreams some more. Last night, she dreamt of the ocean, of sitting on this exact spot, with _him_ beside her. She almost expected to wake up this morning with the company, but alone she did. She wished she could at least remember the face, or the name – _there never was a name!_ – or just a hint.

From what she had gathered though – he wasn’t friendly and she wasn’t very fond of him when they met. He was smart, and he hated her taste in music, that much was evident, but he tried tolerating it; he would reassure her with touches, rather than words; he was amazing, and a bit angry; he was honest and forgiving.

Sure, it might be easier to just ask Finn who the man is, but after insisting about being fine and complete (and all that bullshit), it would lead them to coddling and worrying and she didn’t want to impose that on her friends. They have their lives to live – she wasn’t the center of the universe.

In the dream, Rey remembered him saying: _“I’m going to change the fucking world.”_

And now more than ever, she wanted to ask: _Have you done it? Are you happy? Do you miss me like I miss you? Can I take you on that rain check? Because I’m still waiting._

_Should I just let you go?_

—————

On her fourth day, Rey wished she was with Ben. 

There was a craving she couldn’t place – like the void in her chest getting smaller when he was around, or the way his gaze lingered when he thought she didn’t notice. There never was a space in her mind for someone else when they’re together, like she was living in the present and everything else was inconsequential. As if nothing else would matter, and tomorrow – it’s going to be just another day, and the world would continue orbiting its sun, and everything’s fine.

Sometimes, she thought that there must have been another life that she had loved him and _only_ him, because she couldn’t believe she had existed this long without knowing the sound of his voice, or the warmth of his hand. There was an unfathomable familiarity in the way he spoke and the way his eyes look at her like he’s not seeing anyone else.

But Ben Solo was not someone you’d forget based on a silly accident; the universe – _fate_ , whatever you want to call it – would have to try harder to erase the imprints he left.

The ocean in front of her was once more her only friend; its waves drowning out the voices in her head, telling her to brace herself, have a little more patience, a little more faith – it’s coming soon.

—————

_“Look, I’m just saying – no one’s forcing you to do this.” He muttered, his exasperated tone ringing out of the speaker of your phone. “But you’ve passed the bar exams and have been working for your firm for over a year now, that it’s pretty stupid to waste all your credentials just for a career you’ve only ever considered a hobby.”_

_“What are you actually saying?” You snarked back, offended and a little put down. “That it’s better for me to stay in this fucking job that leaves me wanting to pluck my hair out every morning?”_

_You can actually feel him rolling his eyes, despite not being within near proximity of each other. “It’s good money. You’d be surprised at the lifestyle changes you’d experience over reducing your annual income.”_

_“Excuse me? I have lived my whole life without as much entitlement as you have. I’ve worked my ass off for_ years _for what I have now, and there’s no lifestyle change –”_

 _“I didn’t mean to upset you, but what you’re trying to do – it’s not fucking practical. If you leave your job now because of a bad day at work, and you find that you never really liked_ ‘tinkering with cars’ _, what then? You think that will do well for your references? Rey, we have the future mapped out and you’re losing your focus.” He interrupted, his irritation evident. “I have no time for this. I need to go back to work. I’ll catch you over dinner?”_

 _“Are you shitting me right now?” You wanted to scream at his nonchalance, hot tears of frustration cascading down your cheeks. “Your ten-year plan was only really yours and not ours, and you’re hoping to_ catch _me over dinner?”_

_He lowered his voice, which probably meant that another person had entered the room he was in. “Come on, I’m running on a fifteen-hour shift. Don’t be like this. I really have to go.”_

_You wiped your eyes angrily, pressing the red button without so much as a good bye. You continued burrowing your face in your hands, and a few minutes later, your phone vibrated with another call, from an unknown number. You frowned, licking your lips before sliding your fingers over the screen. “Hello?”_

_You recognized his resigned sigh from the other end. “I’m sorry, okay? It was never my intention to hurt you and I know I’m_ way _out of the line. Of course you’re a part of my ten-year plan. You —”_

_“This is me at my worst,” You murmured, another set of tears rolling down your face, “and I’m not going to be better any time soon. Are you still sure you could live with that? I don’t want to look into your eyes and see disappointment about what could have been’s, or you waking up one day wishing you’d find someone more accomplished, instead of being stuck with me.”_

_“I won’t leave just because of something as trivial as you quitting law while you figure things out. I should have understood where you were coming from, and I know it’s a lot pressure for you to be with me, what with all the fucked up issues with my family. But I don’t care about all of that as long as you’re happy. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re not enough.”_

_You cried harder, because how could you not? He was reassuring you that he would stay, that he would support your decisions no matter what. But it was also suffocating, because you wouldn’t want to trap him in this purposeless life, when he had clearly aired out his thoughts on the subject earlier, when there was only success waiting for him at the end of the road._

_It was, however, a conversation for another time, because you were enough for now, and he loved you, and you loved him. Because there would be time to decide, and you didn’t have the strength to make those decisions now._

_Instead, you said: “Why are you calling from another number?”_

_“I threw my phone across the hall and broke it. This is scary-looking lady’s.” He chuckled, basking in the ceasefire of what was to come. “Rey? Don’t worry, I’m here. Take your time, I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”_

There were tear tracks on her pillow upon waking up, wishing desperately to ease the regret splitting her heart in two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support your local front liners if you can, if not, please stay at home unless it’s necessary for you to go outside. 
> 
> Don’t be like Rey here going to the beach to soul search 🙄 
> 
> Also, let’s be realistic - in this economy, _he_ is right; we have to be practical. But other than that, take care of yourself and practicality is only ever as good as it gets.  
> —————  
> [ Pour mercy, mercy on me, I'll fall upon my knees. And they'll say, "I told you so, come on when you know, you know.”](https://youtu.be/mkI9ibVMIbk)


	7. Six

Rey dropped her two weeks’ notice after she had returned from her little getaway.

On the last day of her work, after all the speeches and the vanilla-frosted cake she didn’t eat, she packed her meager belongings into a small cardboard box and rode the bus to an auto repair shop, where she’d seen the ‘looking for’ sign before she’d left for her trip.

_—————_

Her new job was a breeze and she loved it.

Announcing it to her group of friends, however, was not.

Rey was met with the concerned faces of Finn and Rose as they gathered around a booth at Maz’s, and Poe had that look in his eyes that gave off the energy like he knew this would happen, because “of course she would – no one decent ever stays in corporate law. Bring down the capitalists, _amirite_.”

Finn was almost widowed in that moment by the glare Rose was giving Poe. “Don’t make this a joke, Dameron, because I swear to god.” She turned to her. “And Rey, you know I was never a fan of you choosing to work for those corrupt overlords, but what’s your plan now? You’re literally earning half of what you’d earn from the firm, and New York’s fucking expensive.”

Rey shrugged, picking up a fry and shaking the salt off. “Then I’ll move. I have money saved up, and I could probably open up my own shop somewhere cheaper.”

“Why did you even take law if you’re going to quit it? Seems like a waste of time to be honest.” Poe asked, genuinely curious. He took a swat on his arm from Finn, who had started to take Rose’s side. “I mean, _look_ , it’s not like you can’t take engineering, which was more suitable if you’d rather go that way.”

“I’m a broke eighteen-year old, all my clothes were hand-me-downs, and I don’t really have people around to nudge me in the right path.” She bit into the fry, “Then our high school guidance counselor told me that if I’m not sure what to study, I could try out for law because the money’s good - and who doesn’t want to be rich?”

“What.” Poe’s face looked as if that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.

“What do you mean ‘ _what’_? It’s true!” Rey licked her lips, crossing her arms in front of her in defense. “Don’t go judging me for my choices, Dameron. You have your support system who let you feel like the ‘world is your oyster’ bullshit; I had a hobby and a scholarship that I didn’t want to waste with something so unpredictable - you see where I’m going with this?”

That shut him up. _Good._

Finn squeezed her shoulder, making her relax. She sighed and looked at him, “I’m not fucking up my life, am I?”

He shook his head, giving her a reassuring smile. “You’re finally doing what makes you happy, how can we hold that against you?”

—————

Everything was muted, for once, in the city.

The subway was unusually vacant, everyone seemed to be getting smarter and doing the social distancing thing. God, even McDonald’s had those signs up asking their customers to please seat in at the next unoccupied table.

Well, using the subway (only if necessary) and eating McDonald’s did not really constitute into being ‘smart’, but Rey could hardly do anything about it. She did, however, lock herself up in her apartment for the time being – her new workplace was closed until further notice anyway, and she didn’t worry as much as the next person her age. What made her anxious, though, was the _hoarding_. There were barely any toilet paper left in her local corner shop, let alone the hand sanitizers and the face masks.

The only good thing that came out of this pandemic was Ben returning home earlier than his supposedly extended medical mission. He’s currently in quarantine, like any good doctor who’d been away to lord knew where, helping whoever needed the help.

He did whatsapp her, three days into his self-imposed exile: **_Hey, I’m alive (barely). Funny story, I might actually return to a hospital after my isolation to help out. Anyway, I heard about your new gig from Poe. I just want to say I’m really happy for you. Stay safe!_**

If anything, the only feeling she had upon reading the message was relief.

_—————_

Eventually, things went back to normal.

Rey returned to work, and it was still a bit cold, but it was bearable and the spring air was such a nice welcome from the intolerable winter. She didn’t have to worry about walking to the bus stop and freezing half to death – and avoiding the subway too was a great perk.

As she was bent over a hood of a rusty, green 1995 Toyota Corolla – needed a battery change, an oil change, and a new air filter – she noticed an old truck rolling down the garage _._ An ’85 Ford F-150, from the looks of it, with its tail dented. The red coat was faded, and the bed was laden with a thick layer of dust due to misuse. The truck would need a paint job, a tire change, and probably a good engine repair before it’s suitable again for daily use.

But it’s _familiar_ – and she couldn’t, for the life of her, remember exactly where she’d seen it. The dented tail was telling, the shoe marks on the surface, as if it was worsened because of dangled legs kicking it for further impression. Her eyes roamed on the sides, where she was sure there was a tiny spot that was nail polished – _there_ , _that’s where I accidentally scratched it using my key and he was so annoyed and –_

“What a girl. Nearly a junk, but she persists.” Her new boss, a guy that reminded her oddly of Ron Swanson from _Parks_ _and Rec_ , who insisted he be called ‘Chewie’, grunted beside her. She wiped her grease-stained hands on the towel slung over her shoulders, nodding.

“Where’d you get her from?” Rey mumbled, heart thumping wildly in her chest. She’s close _– so close now, I can feel it._

He gave her a sideway glance, like he knew something she didn’t. “My old pal’s son returned it to him a couple of years ago, they weren’t on very good terms so he was a bit surprised he made contact. God, the memories we had in this beaut. Kept it in the back for so long, I almost forgot about it.”

She frowned, moving closer to the old truck, crouching down to wipe the grime from the plate with her hand.

“Though some things, I think, aren’t allowed to be forgotten. They just hide out until we’re ready to remember.”

The six rusty letters, faded in time, but still clearly readable from the indents on the metal: _Falcon._

Rey stared back at Chewie, and asked, as if in a trance: “Do you know where I can find the owner?”

He shook his head, “If he’s not here, he doesn’t want to be found.”

_—————_

_It was a cold start of the year, but then again, Februaries were always colder the following year. Global warming and all that – your friends would be happy that you’re thinking about it. Maybe one day, you’d have the will to join their protests or donate your money instead of buying a cheap burger from a joint they’re trying to take down._

_It’s funny how you’d end up outside a hospital – you’re definitely not sick, and you’re_ most _definitely not injured. Yet you found yourself waiting in one of the padded leather seats outside, alone, the digital watch on the wall said it was 3:46 am on 14/02, Fri. God knew you should be out with your friends – no, you should be in bed, asleep, and out with your friends_ later _. And you might be a twenty-three year old woman in your second year of law school, but it was still a school night!_

_Not really your best idea to be sitting in the worst bouts of winter, with a take out from the only place open at this time – chicken shawarma, very tasteful – and a cup of lukewarm coffee from that small, artisanal, 24/7 shop along the way. Not exactly the best of times to be tapping your foot impatiently, hugging your coat tighter around your body, and wondering where the fuck he was. It’s been an hour, goddamnit._

_Also, to yourself, the angel on your right side only ever speaking the voice of reason:_ Rey, what the fuck are you doing?

_Although the devil on your left shoulder had countered:_ It’s 2014 – you can make the first move if you want to – you’re a strong, independent woman!

_You shook your head. It’s not going to make any difference now because you’re here – and you should see this through anyway, he should be out any minute now (but he should have been out an hour ago – at least that’s what his roommate told you)._

_Sighing, you rubbed your nose with your fingers and put your cold, numb hand back in your pocket. Fucking winter. Fucking February 14 th. _

_“Rey?” You heard your name being called, along with the silent_ whoosh _of the sliding doors._

_He was still wearing his green scrubs, the rounded collar of his long sleeve shirt visible under the ‘v’, his white coat slung over his messenger bag as he rubbed a sore spot behind his neck. The man might be exhausted, but he sure was the better looking one between the two of you._

_You stood up and picked the take outs from the seat beside the one you were sitting on. “Aren’t you cold?”_

_He did you a once-over with an odd look you couldn’t decipher the meaning behind. “Aren’t_ you _?”_

_You felt the nerves you’ve been trying to forget in the pit of your stomach, because you couldn’t do this – it’s fucking insane. You’re friends – the number one rule of being in a friend group was that you don’t date your friend, no matter how hot, or smart, or how he made you feel when he smiled and showed all his dimples (the sudden urge to touch his cheek whenever he smiled to see if you’d feel his gums through its depths was dumb, but it’s always tempting); this was crazy, this was you with barely two hours of sleep. You should have listened to Ted Mosby when he said that ‘nothing good happens after 2 am.’_

_“Is that for me? I can smell what’s inside and I’m fucking hungry.” He muttered, gesturing to the take out bag you’re holding._

_You frowned and thrusted the bag and the paper cup in his hands, then turned around to walk back to your flat ten blocks away._ No biggie – it’s just 4 in the morning in New York, no need to be scared, you strong, independent woman.

_“Hold up – where are you going?” He grabbed your wrist and tugged the ends of your sleeve with his free hand. “Wait, wait – what exactly are you doing here?”_

_You could imagine the two roads in front of you – the left, just leaving without an explanation but it would keep your friendship in tact, and there wouldn’t be a rift between your group if the two of you had broken up because there wouldn’t be a relationship in the first place; and then there’s the right path, where you tell him you missed him, that you were sad in the months after he graduated because he didn’t ever bother you in the library anymore, that you wanted to hang out outside of nights at Maz’s and talk about inane things, that you wished you could kiss him whenever you liked because – well, that’s the point, wasn’t it? To be able to kiss him without reason._

_But you’re not ready yet – and you knew this. He was amazing and maybe something had changed, and maybe you’ve been harboring this crush ever since the flu incident around eleven months ago –_ has it really been eleven months? – _the fact of the matter was that you were still afraid to admit what you felt, and you just don’t want to take that leap of faith because everything’s going to change, regardless if it’s for the better or for the worse. Change was still an uncertain point in the future, and it might be unavoidable, but you sure could delay the hell out of it if you’re stubborn enough._

_When you continued to walk without answering, snatching your wrist back, he quickly moved to match your pace while biting into the shawarma, the cup of coffee wedged in the crook of his elbow. “Wow, that’s super good.” He groaned, appreciating the pickles probably. “So… what brings you here? Did my roommate get you up to this? You know, he could be very persuasive. I don’t know how he does it, I —“_

_He suddenly stopped walking – eating, drinking, breathing – and you turned around to face him, a little irritated because it’s cold and you were full of words you wanted to say to him, but didn’t have the guts to. “What.”_

_“Rey,” He murmured, a frown marring his (very handsome) face, “do you like him?”_

_“What?” You repeated rather dumbly._

_“I asked if you like him.”_

_“Who –?” You asked, scowling when it dawned on you_ _the_ who _he was talking about_. _“_ Really _? You and I both know he’s more attracted to you than to me.”_

Why the fuck would I like your roommate? _You thought, never before having the impulse to punch his perfect jaw like you did now – or probably just shake him until he got the clue._ I’ve literally waited for you for over an hour outside where you work, freezing my ass off, on Valentines’ day, you _walnut_! I even brought you an expensive, artisanal coffee that’s a bit over my budget!

_“So you don’t?” He said, and you couldn’t help but notice the relieved little smile on his lips. “That’s good – great, actually! I’m not going to lie, because you’d be_ very _stupid to like him. He’s got the most atrocious shower tunes, and like, the smelliest socks! And oh, he’s the sloppiest person I know, eats like a fucking pig, and we have a fucking shower curtain that he_ never _uses –”_

_“Gee, must be_ real _nice being your best friend.”_

_He rolled his eyes, crumpling the foil wrap and throwing it in a bin as you both resumed walking. “I would guess that you’re here on your own accord, then?”_

Yes, because I miss you and it’s miserable not seeing you regularly, and I hate you for making me feel this way. _“Oh no – I just have plenty of time, actually, between law school and my part-time jobs. I go around my friends’ places and bring them coffee and shawarma_ every _night, and it’s your turn according to my planner, so there you go.”_

_He chuckled, the sound ringing through the darkened, quiet streets. It made your heart stutter, as it was very rarely heard, like your old favorite song being played in the radio after months and years of not hearing it – it made you want to turn up the volume, appreciate the melody, sing along every word, and remember how you felt the first time you listened to it because you’re not going to hear it for another while._

_“Yes, exactly what I need – that insufferable sarcasm.” Then he murmured, like it was an afterthought that slipped up unannounced: “Thank you for making my day.”_

_You scrunched your brows together in confusion, but disregarded his remark for a more important matter – “Didn’t you bring your truck with you to the hospital?”_

_His mouth fell open as the realization dawned on him, “For fuck’s sake –”_

_After your class, much, much later, there was a box of Faber-Castell highlighters waiting for you on the small dining table of the apartment you shared with a friend, along with a button pin saying ‘I’ll help you get away with murder’ tucked into the middle of it. A picture of Dwight Schrute, in plain brown backdrop, with ‘It is Valentines’ Day’ printed in white Comic Sans was taped on the inner lid of the box._

_Then, a messy scrawl on the space below it:_ Can we not make a big deal of this Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Wonderin' if you're out there - and if you are did you wait around to take me home.](https://youtu.be/3vApD1JEgcw)


	8. Seven

It was a bit stupid, to be honest, the next time Rey had seen Ben since the week following the New Year’s.

She was in her pajamas, because of course she was – it’s the weekend and she didn’t have places to be. And it’s pretty dumb to order Postmates if the merchant was literally in front of your apartment building. Why else would she bother?

And she should have, but hindsight is often 20/20. She didn’t expect to see him in her favorite Thai place, and most definitely didn’t mean to not notice him because his hair was a little shorter now, reaching just below his ears, rather than the slightly fuller glory it was back in December.

He looked younger in his stupid knitted jumper, and more familiar, which was disconcerting. Rey was pretty sure she could conjure something from the depths of her very-muddled mind, but she’s coming up with nothing except a sense of déjà vu.

_Because this happened before, didn’t it?_

She had to blink twice to notice that he was now looking at her with an oddly fond expression. “Oh shit, hey! Sorry, I’m a bit – groggy, still, as you can see.” She gestured over to her very comfortable attire.

Ben tried to hide – and failed – his amused smile, “Rey, it’s five p.m.”

She groaned and covered her face with her hands, “Damn it. Yes, I know.”

He was chuckling now – a sound she’d no doubt plan to overthink about making her heart stutter, because it’s just so nice, like listening to her favorite song – and pried her hands gently from her face. “Don’t worry, you’re still very much fashion forward.”

“I know, _I know._ ” She bit her lip to stop herself from grinning like an idiot, “You didn’t tell me you knew this place?”

“Yes, I… well, let’s just say it’s one of the reasons why I stayed.” He murmured, and she couldn’t help but observe that he hadn’t let go of her hands yet.

To be fair, she kind of loved the feeling of them.

—————

They went to eat their take-outs in her apartment, as Rey had suggested, because she’d immediately remembered how much she wanted to spend time with him. Ben was always so busy, and she didn’t want to impose as he was clearly doing something far more relevant than sitting around and doing nothing.

He told her he was part-timing in a nearby hospital, attended the ER on weekends when he’s not busy with the non-profit. So far, what with the recently subdued pandemic and his overflowing paperwork in the past month, he’d managed to stay in the city while the logistics for his next medical missions were being sorted by their paraplanners. In a weird coincidence, he just clocked out and went to the Thai place to pick up his dinner – but he was clearly happy to see her as well.

At least, he told her so with an “I’m glad to see you again. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch much – just, you know, _responsibilities_.”

And she had understood – he was a doctor, after all. Then again, she could be the one to make first contact – they had each other’s number, but the guilt was always unbearable whenever she was about to hit the send button, so she never did. Thank god for small mercies, though.

“Have you furnished your apartment yet?” Rey asked, halfway through her shrimp pad thai.

Ben shook his head no, too gracious not to speak with his mouth full. Admittedly, it was very charming that he’d been able to keep his table manners in tact – unlike her.

“Late-night Ikea trip?”

He nodded, swallowing. “Late-night Ikea trip.”

—————

They rode a cab to Red Hook, which was made more amusing by the fact that Rey had managed to force Ben to wear a pair of Finn’s pajama bottoms that she had kept for ‘emergency purposes’ – meaning, if Finn and Poe had a fight and they needed time away from each other, Finn would have something to wear when he sleeps over.

It didn’t happen yet, so the sweats were never used until now – _“If we’re going out tonight, Ben, then you have to do this with me.”_

They were a little short though, it didn’t even reach his ankles. He didn’t seem to mind, even looked happy to be lounging comfortably.

“Look, you can’t overthink it – I have literally done five trips before I chose the couch I bought - and I hated it.” Rey said as she stood beside Ben, who was staring at an arm chair contemplatively for three minutes. He turned to her and shrugged, “Do I really need a two-hundred and fifty dollar armchair for an apartment I’ll only stay in for a maximum of one week per month?”

She rolled her eyes, and sat down. “It’s super comfortable though.”

He shook his head, grinning as he walked over to another display.

—————

“No.” Rey tried to say the word as firmly as she could when Ben stopped in front of a hideous-looking couch. She’s not letting him make bad decisions, it’s what she’s here for.

He glanced at her, rubbing his chin deliberately, “What do you mean ‘no’? It’s not your apartment we’re shopping for.”

“I am _not_ letting you take home an orange sofa, I don’t care if it’s _Knopparp_ or _Friheten_ , or if it’s L-shaped or fucking U-shaped, I am drawing the line here. Poe would kill me!” She hissed, crossing her arms in front of her chest to give out one last air of intimidation.

He didn’t take that well, and huffed exasperatedly. “His cat is literally an _orange_ devil’s incarnate – he doesn’t get a say in anything!”

“Stop being dramatic – you have a spectrum of other options and you’re choosing something that is – and I shit you not, this is a real quote from Finn – ‘prison uniform, but make it an expensive couch textile.’”

“ _Oh_ – who’s the one being dramatic now?” He rolled his eyes, clearly not irritated, but definitely looking the part. “Drama queen.” He muttered as he moved to the next showroom, leaving her to follow with her mouth hanging open and thinking: _The nerve – the audacity –_

“You know what? I’m just going to get my old couch delivered from my apartment in DC.”

“It’s probably really _quirky_.” She retorted under her breath. Ben snorted, “You’re someone who thinks Dixie Chicks’ version of _Landslide_ is better than Fleetwood Mac’s – I hardly think you have the highest of standards.”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, “I told you that _in confidence_.”

“Everything you say can and will be held against you.” He smirked, going around her back to nudge her forward to the bed frames. “Let’s get going, ma’am.”

She moodily walked beside him, but even she could not help the smile breaking across her face.

_—————_

They were both looking up at the high ceilings, side-by-side on their backs, testing a spring queen-sized mattress. The fluorescent lights above were angrily bright, as if they were screaming “we’re closing at 10, you need to get going!”

Rey shrugged, tapping her stomach in thought. “Is it firm enough? The back support isn’t very good.”

“I don’t know, it’s still _way_ better than Poe’s mattress, that’s for sure.” Ben sighed, “Do you think we made the wrong decision to go to here instead of Pottery Barn?”

She grimaced and turned her head to glare at him, “Pottery Barn is for wives who didn’t know where to put their rich husband’s money.”

He sniggered and angled his face to meet her stare. “You really have very strong opinions on furniture. We barely accomplished anything, and the store closes in an hour.”

“Yeah, like it’s all _my_ fault that you have bad taste.”

“Me? Bad taste? _Please_.” He took out his phone and scrolled through the gallery for a picture they took earlier. It was Rey seated in an intricate floral-patterned armchair, something that would fit in a gothic regency-era movie, looking like she owned the place with her eyebrow raised in judgment. “You thought this was ‘very camp, Marie Antoinette vibes’. Did you hear yourself say that? Because it’s a fucking chair, Rey.”

She rolled her eyes, seemingly for the nth time today. “If I’d known you were such a snob, I wouldn’t have come with you here.”

He grinned up at her, putting his hands back on his chest. “I know. I’m very grateful.”

“You should pay me back – with coffee, probably.”

“Maybe I will.”

She smiled, winking at him and getting up. “It’s a date, then.”

—————

Ben walked her home, to her doorstep, in which Rey had retrieved his trousers hanging from the coat rack near the entry way.

They had bought nothing apart from a kitchen utensil set (the cheapest kind, because he never really cooked as much as he should), a few hooks (“Gotta hang my curtains somehow”), and two bedsheets (“I don’t even know if Poe washed the sheets he lent me.”). It was a conscious decision on both of their parts to lurk online first, then go from there.

He told her he’d try to check something by himself so he could be unbothered and objective; she scoffed and rolled her eyes – _again._

 _“So…”_ He said, as they stood at the bottom of the concrete steps of her building, Ikea paper bags in one hand, his trousers in another. They looked at each other like they didn’t want to go – not knowing when they would see each other the next time. She could tell he wanted to say something - he wore his emotions on his sleeves, if unguarded.

But he didn’t say anything; instead, he kept on looking into her eyes, as if he was memorizing the way she looked at him, or that he wanted to know whatever she was thinking. It’s clear that either of them were just happy to preserve the moment.

_How lovely would it be that this night never ends?_

And because nothing ever gets accomplished by standing around, Rey pushed up on her tiptoes, put both of her hands on his shoulders, and kissed the corner of his mouth.

When she pulled away, there was a frown on Ben’s face – quickly though, he glanced down and gave away a sad smile.

She couldn’t help but wonder if kissing him – no matter how good it felt – was the right thing to do.

“I’m getting greedy.” He murmured.

—————

Ben did send her a picture of a couch the next morning – just an image without context, not even a question. He was deciding for himself.

It’s a simple three-seater, wooden framed couch, with comfortable-looking, white cushions. It had a matching rocking chair.

Rey nodded appreciatively as she rolled away from under a silver Honda Civic 2003 in Chewie’s garage. She wiped the grease off the screen of her phone on her overalls, replying with a thumbs-up emoji, and went back to work.

—————

She couldn’t help but glare at her boss, fixing the truck and not letting her touch it. “I thought you were too old ‘goin’ round tinkerin’ junks’? This is exactly what you hired me for!”

Chewie huffed out a laugh, bent over the truck’s hood. “Junk? That’s preposterous.”

And Rey knew it wasn’t – after all, she was once a testament to its legends.

—————

_It was finally November, and your summer dresses days were over._

_Who were you kidding – you never wore summer dresses even on summers._

_And like any other day, you’d foregone a dress in exchange of a pantsuit because you’re in one of those courses whose professors make it mandatory to wear a fucking blazer in class to ‘prepare you for the future’. As if dress rehearsals would contribute to your anxiety in court._

Great idea, Prof. Miller. Real smart, _you rolled your eyes, annoyed with your ‘for special occasions only’ heels as you stepped out of your apartment building._

_The weather was great, your favorite kind – not too cold, but enough to warrant layers. The leaves were orange, which was a plus because it made this side of the city a little more colorful. Walking was weirdly enjoyable – the sun wasn’t glaring as much as the angry ball of fire it was in July, and your hair’s finally cooperating like it should always be._

_You paused at the top of the stairs leading to the street, because apart from the weather, another one of your favorite ever was at the end of the steps, leaning on the rusted handrail with his head down and hands in his coat pockets._

_“Hey.” You said, nudging him with your elbow. He startled, seemingly expecting you but was still surprised about it._ Odd. _“What are you doing here? You’re usually asleep at this hour.”_

_He nodded, his unease evident by the way he couldn’t seem to look into your eyes._

_You frowned. He’s never been this way before, definitely a first, and you hated it because you’ve assumed that after the summer spent in the library after that ‘sort of’ Valentine confession – or as your friend liked to call it, ‘Rey’s Luck Has Ran Out For The Rest of the Year’ day; he’s more than comfortable to talk to you about everything without being a jerk about it. Sure, the teasing was very welcomed and it’s part of why you’re so foolishly, ‘nearly-there’ in love with him, but this was just nervousness in its most tensed form._

_“I got my Step 3 results back.”_

Oh _. “Oh my god – how was it?” You asked, searching his eyes for anything, because this was big news. Maybe that’s why he was so worried._

_He swallowed, staring at her face. “I passed.”_

_You were expecting the worst because of his expression, that it took you a moment to register what he said. Your eyes widened, and you couldn’t stop your lips from stretching out with a silly grin as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders. “That’s great – congratulations! Fucking hell, you made it sound like you’re about to tell me I have a week to live or something.”_

_When you were starting to pull away, he tightened his arms around your waist to prevent you from doing so. It’s not like you hated being in this position, but you’ve never hugged this long and his smell was getting you drunk that it wouldn’t be advisable to go to class in your current state. And sure, it was a little bit awkward, but it was certainly very much wanted and probably great cardio with how fast your heart was racing. “You okay?”_

_You felt him nod as some passerby threw you weird looks. You glared at them on your place on his shoulder – thank the lord and savior, Aldo, for the heels, though it was still a task to stand on your tiptoes because he’s just so stupidly tall, even with him bending down to your height._

_“Yeah – just give me a moment,” he sighed, like he was bracing himself to ask for something, and how sad was it that he didn’t know he could ask for the moon and you’d probably hand it to him and all the stars that littered in its axis._

_You tried to pull away again, because you just want to find answers on his face. He could never be a lawyer with the way he wore his heart on his sleeves, so the medical route was a good decision on his part. He didn’t ease up on his grasp; instead he buried his face further to your shoulder, his nose grazing the space above your collarbone. In all honesty, the only thing that made you lose focus on the spot his nose was touching was your concern for his unusual behavior._

_“You’re making me worried here.” You murmured, patting his back reassuringly._

_He sighed, and you almost didn’t catch it when he whispered the words on your skin – “Can I take you out to dinner, like on a_ date _-date?”_

 _And you thought, as your heart tried to break away from your chest:_ This is it – the point of no return.

_—————_

At work, the next day, Rey went in to find that the _Falcon_ had been pulled out of the garage. “Where is it?”

Chewie grinned at her, ignoring the panicked look on her face. “Back to where she belongs.”

_—————_

She met up with Ben a week after their impulsive Ikea trip. It wasn’t that much different from their chance run-ins, but this time they had actually planned on meeting up. Rey had texted first, of course – he didn’t exactly seem like the type to make a move, especially with the nagging voice at the back of her mind that eerily sounded like Rose reminding her he was still probably in love with his ex.

Yet another thing to scream that he was off-limits. That she more than overstayed her welcome when she kissed his cheek that night.

It was a Saturday, and usually she’d be at the garage because she only had Fridays and Sundays off, but Chewie called that he was meeting up with friends so he had to close the shop. It was fine – she was too tired anyway, she’d be a waste of space.

Ben asked her to meet up at Kaydel’s, because it was closer to the furniture shop he was planning to go to. She said it’s great, he owed her coffee – and recently, she was getting restless, like she was on the brink of _something_ , but she didn’t know what. Caffeine would definitely help; it didn’t hurt that it was his treat either.

Rey also didn’t tell him she was due for a free drink, given her ‘regulars’ voucher.

Her body was bent over her usual table, cheeks resting on the flat surface with her eyes closed. Kaydel was playing Sam Smith’s new album on the speakers, and the catchy tunes were a bit comforting.

She didn’t hear the footsteps when he walked over, didn’t even think she was awake when he murmured, “You’ll ruin your back sleeping like that.”

With a shuddering intake of breath, Rey opened her eyes and raised her head slowly, hearing the words she knew like the back of her hand and the voice embedded in the depths of her heart. She didn’t know if it was a happenstance and didn’t care if it wasn’t. The only thing that mattered was it came from Ben’s mouth.

When their eyes met, his were always conveying a fondness she couldn’t fathom, yet she understood intimately; she could only imagine hers were of the same – because this might be it.

Because she was almost expecting him to kiss the top of her head, like he would if he was _him_.

Because maybe she had found him again and _again_ , and yet she didn’t know she was looking for him all along.

Because what if it was him – what would happen then?

But god, this was a lot to process – she had to think this through, as she could see all the dots connecting.

_It was so obvious – how many doctors with influential families do I know?_

“Are you okay?” Ben asked, eyes worried as he sat in front of her.

Rey frowned, trying to focus on her breathing. She couldn’t stop looking at him, really looking at him – his face, his brown eyes, his full lips, his nose; she was trying to see if it would rouse something from her brain, but nothing was coming up and she’s panicking because maybe she had just imagined it? Maybe he didn’t really say those words, or that it was just herself daydreaming? _Or… or –_

_Or maybe I wanted him to be Ben after all?_

“What did you say?” She whispered, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. If she cried now, she wouldn’t know how to stop.

Concern was written all over his face, as if he was trying to look back to see what he did wrong. “I asked if you were –”

She shook her head, “Before that.”

“Rey, I’m sorry, did I do something? Are you hurt?”

“Answer the question, Ben.”

He was frowning, clearly a little frustrated but it was overshadowed by something else. “I said you’ll hurt your back sleeping like that.”

And then, like _the_ car crash, she could feel the impact of the moment when the words left his lips, her tears like the rain that night as they cascaded down her cheeks – silent and deafening all the same. 

It was like breathing after being underwater for so long.

Either way, he seemed to know how to break her heart and piece it back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last chapter and a short bit.
> 
> I did have thoughts about how Rey finds out because there were a lot of loose ends I’m trying to tie up, but ended on just the muscle memory bit from the first paragraphs - this was originally supposed to be a one shot that got too long 
> 
> —————
> 
> [ I always said that I'd mess up eventually. I told you that, so what did you expect from me?](https://youtu.be/Lln4AvhaeP4)


	9. Eight

If you’d asked Rey how the rest of her week went, she’d say it wasn’t so horrible.

Truth was – it’s probably so horrible, she just wanted to second guess everything else. _Maybe it’s just a bad life?_

After she left Kaydel’s that day without another word, she was bombarded with _‘Are you okay’_ texts from her friends:

**_Ben told me 2 check on u. He said u walked out on him? Didnt know what he did lol so clueless_ **

**_Pick up the call Peanut_ **

**_What the hell happened Rey????_ **

**_Are u sick? Do u want Finn 2 bring u pizza_ **

**_Pls tell me ur alive_ **

**_I’m coming over, you better be home_ **

**_Rey where the fuck are you??_ **

She decidedly ignored the calls and the knocks on her door, turning the TV on its fullest to drown her thoughts and her sobs and just… life in general.

 ** _Let me know you’re fine._** _**Please.**_ That’s the only message that she got from him.

She tried to go to work the next day and pretend everything’s fine – people get sad sometimes; more often than not, they also get memory loss associated by a traumatic injury and poor mental health, so it’s not as if she was special. The world would still be turning, and getting up in the morning shouldn’t be so hard.

Chewie was gracious enough to yell at Rey and asked her to come back when she was more of herself, and she couldn’t find the energy to argue so she just went home. The thought of making food to feed herself was another feat – she left dishes on her small kitchen, ate straight from the can like a fucking dumpster cat, probably hadn’t showered in a couple of days. She could hardly care less; she just wanted to quiet down her mind.

Sleeping wouldn’t be the best solution; eventually the face was taking shape and she’d started to remember the marks on his cheeks when she woke up, or the way his mouth quirked, and the sounds of his sighs – everything was getting more and more in resemblance of Ben.

And she should be happy because she might have found him. There was also the possibility that he still loved her.

But could she ever look him in the eyes and not see that he had left?

—————

She was certain it was him, despite the doubts and hurt she was feeling. It made sense, and she’s a smart girl.

It’s in the way the void in her chest lessens, like feeling whole again knowing he was real and he was there and it was wonderful and scary because this would be another chance to ruin or rebuild what they had. The way she was relieved that she couldn’t be in love with two people at once, that they were the very same person; in the way that she knew he would go to the ends of the earth and he’d still be back to her – and as if in a circle, she would be back to him, too.

Rey knew these, but she also knew Ben had his reasons – and was it even worth it to try again? They didn’t work the first time; this would be starting from scratch, like solving a math problem over and over again, knowing that you’d get the same answers – and it’s still wasn’t the correct one.

But in the end, they’re neither saints nor sinners – just normal, flawed people who’ve tried their best.

—————

After a few more days moping around, Rey deemed her apartment suffocating and she had to go.

She showed up at the shop, with bags under her eyes but Chewie saw her resolve to work. He understood that she needed the distraction, and she was good in what she did so he let her.

They were quiet for most of the day, the workload wasn’t very heavy – a couple of oil changes, some minor air conditioning problem, tire change – but neither were in the mood to talk. It was fine, they didn’t have much to say to each other anyway.

At the end of her shift, she packed her tools and placed them neatly on the shelf. Her boss was locking the overhead roll-up door, and as she clutched the worn out straps of her canvas bag, she asked, “The Falcon. It was Ben Solo’s, wasn’t it?”

Chewie glanced at her warily, as if he was the keeper of secrets and all things that could hurt Ben. “Why do you ask?”

“You knew me, from _before_ , didn’t you?”

He nodded, confirming her theory. “We were never formally introduced; it’s all in the passing – the rascal’s got himself a girl, Han said. Liked cars, lawyer, they said. I was just happy Ben wasn’t so alone now. His old man told me they started to talk again bit by bit, and that was a start. I didn’t pry so much, it wasn’t my place but I loved that kid like my own.

“I didn’t know that you were _her_ before you saw the Falcon, though. So if you’re accusing me of hiring you because of connections, don’t fucking sweat it.” He grunted, ending the conversation and obviously discomforted by the fact that he had said more than ten words.

—————

**_Hi Rey. Poe told me you had questions. I just_ **

**_Sorry. That was sent prematurely. I know you deserve something more than a few text to explain myself, but I don’t think I can do this without fucking things up further. At least with this, I could try to lessen the damage. Here it goes._ **

**_Sorry I got greedy. I should’ve stopped when we met back in December at Kay’s. I shouldn’t have been more familiar because I know it was over and that you’re okay now and I guess I was a bit okay too. But I kept telling myself it was the last time I’ll share a drink with you, or the last dance, or a last hug, last kiss, but I kept coming back and trying to get lasts of what you’d give and I was happy with that so I didn’t say anything._ **

**_I guess I’m trying to find closure in all of these because after two years I’m still stuck. I don’t blame you for anything and in the end all I can say is I’m really sorry it all came down to this. I know now that I could have tried harder, but you didn’t want to remember and I was stupid and hurt and I let my own feelings get in the way. I of all people should know you best, and that I don’t ever mean for you to get hurt and I_ ** **_hoped we could leave things better between us._ **

**_I’m sorry and I understand if you wish not to talk with me, I do. I just want to leave this message because you probably have questions and although I’m sure I can’t answer them all, I’ll try my best. I’m here, take your time. I’m not going anywhere._ **

_—————_

_It was odd how you kept finding yourself back in here, it was almost comedic._

_The sound of the tires screeching on the wet asphalt as it tried to avoid the inevitable collision, the smell of the rain on the city drainage, the yellow dots of the lights on the overhead street lamps – you’ve memorized the details of this moment, of the hand pressing careful touches on your cheeks, like he didn’t want to move you because it could do more damage but couldn’t help himself to lose contact, that by doing so, it would mean the end – and he didn’t want it to end._

_You have memorized his begging and his tears, “No, no, no – don’t do this to me. Please. Come back to me. Please.”_

Dying shouldn’t hurt this much —

_You have memorized your last thoughts, but something new was taking place because this was the part where you wake up, and you’ve never gone this far before._

_It was until Ben’s blurry face came into view, obscuring the flashlight brought upon by a medic and forming his own semblance of a halo. It was sort of like divine intervention, and you weren’t very religious but in that moment, he looked like the angel burdened to take you back._

—and if your face is the last thing I see, I’d go happily.

—————

Sometimes, life had a funny way of telling you to put your lady trousers on and fucking rip the band-aid off. And sometimes, when you’re at the end, you don’t get much choice as to when that would be.

Ben was waiting for Rey at the steps leading to her apartment building, his side of the city a good hour-walk away so he couldn’t possibly be lost. It was also absurd how her heart was still fluttering despite the wreckage it had endured the better part of last week, and she had realized that it only ever beat this way in his presence.

He stood up when he saw her at the corner of the street, so all her escape plans were thwarted immediately – and it’s her apartment, shouldn’t he be the one to go away?

 _Do I really want him to?_ She thought. _He_ _had been mine, once._

She took a deep breath and stared at him, walking further to his direction. His expression gave way too much of the inner turmoil he was in a battle with; as she got closer, she had noticed the heavy bags under his eyes and the slight tremble of his chin, the disarray of his hair. When he was within reach, she couldn’t help but put her hand on his cheek and wipe the stray tears that escaped unwillingly.

“Hi.” Ben murmured, and he was trying to smile but it only resulted him in breaking apart. “I’m sorry, I – I’m a mess.”

Rey nodded, her own attempt at a chuckle buried under the sob that escaped her mouth. “Me too. We’ll work on it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [We know we weren’t meant for each other and it’s fine.](https://youtu.be/DPZ99hxi4-A)


	10. Epilogue

If you had told Ben a year ago that he’d be here at Maz’s with his arm around Rey’s shoulders and drinking with all their friends as they celebrated Finn and Poe’s first anniversary, he would have scoffed angrily and maybe cry a bit after.

He used to wish the universe was as deterministic as it was when he was eight. The sun would set and the moon would rise, and he’d go to school in the morning and do his homework and play his video games in the afternoon. And it would be the same the next day and after.

It’s funny how you couldn’t always be eight – most things happen when you grow up, but through the years, you learn how to deal with the oncoming changes and even in the end, all those indeterminate little things would lead you to a certain moment. And Ben have been everywhere else in the world, in corners and cities he didn’t even know of, but in this very second, he knew this was _his_ moment:

Rey looking up at him, like she’s steeling herself to say something, and it saddened him that she didn’t know she could ask him for the sun and he’d give the whole galaxy without a second thought.

“What is it?” He murmured, tucking a loose curl behind her ear.

“I think I’m starting to fancy you.”

He laughed, and there were a lot he had tried not to overthink after their reconciliation – things were never going to be the same again, they both grew up, but Rey, downplaying everything, was something that he didn’t let himself forget.

“Yeah. I know. You’re growing on me too, to be honest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it ends. Thank you so much for giving time to read this little fic. Please excuse any mistakes I made, I have barely edited the whole thing. 
> 
> I do hope that you enjoyed this very self-indulgent story. Stay safe! 
> 
> ps: if you have fic recs, pls let me know im so bored im burned out working from home it’s a mess!!  
> —————  
> [When I look down the line at the man I wanna be, I’ve always known from the start that it ends with you and me.](https://youtu.be/LH-GdRlNQ6A)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from ‘Eloisa to Abelard’ by Alexander Pope. I changed the ‘thee’ to ‘you’ for reasons.


End file.
